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October 11, 2015

Visual crimes I witnessed this year but ran out of Salient issues to individually dissect so had to compact into a single slander-fest: Activewear in non-active contexts/“doing literally nothing in my activewear” (I hope you all get the reference) Leggings as pants are horrendous enough, let alone leggings specifically designed to be worn during exercise […]

October 4, 2015

It has reached the stage in the trimester where you are a mere burnt soy latte away from a full-scale meltdown. Every aspect of your existence is going up in flames around you and you’re sort of just sitting there muttering “this is fine, everything is absolutely fine” to your trusty companions, Fourth Glass of […]

September 20, 2015

Spending my formative first year suffering vitamin D deficiency within the depths of the third floor “dungeon” of Te Puni not only enabled prime observation of White Sandal syndrome, but also resulted in mass exposure to Dudebro culture. Despite the subsequent emotional trauma, residual inability to drink at a remotely responsible pace in any social […]

September 13, 2015

Soon we will be fully-fledged Adults, released into the Real World, where drinking $9 wine at 10am, relying on cereal as a staple dietary component, and chatting up first-years in Estab will all become rampantly socially unacceptable. We will be forced to accept our fates as Functioning Members of Society, stop expecting our parents to […]

September 6, 2015

I have three “interesting facts about myself” stockpiled for those awkward tutorial introductory games and/or rare boozy truth-or-dare sessions when I am not feeling up to streaking through somebody’s apartment building. I’m a natural blonde (tame enough for tutes, with sufficient shock value. My hair is waist-length and jet black for the uninitiated). I have […]

August 16, 2015

Bartending has ruined numerous things for me*, including but not limited to my social life, Tinder dates, the illusion that two-for-one cocktails will actually get you drunk, and everything I was wearing the time I spilt 135 mL of flaming Chartreuse down myself. I am, however, enabled prime observational opportunity of the extremities of human […]

August 9, 2015

Ancient proverb: Straight* boys dress like randomised Sims. I am currently (as of a week before time of print) seeing a guy who dresses uncannily like a suburban dad, but not in the ironic, “bespectacled and bearded with appreciation of craft beer” sense; more in the “closer to 30 than 20 and dressing age appropriate” […]

August 2, 2015

Somebody I recently spoke to hypothesised that as soon as a person acquires a handlebar moustache, their entire being becomes the human receptacle for a handlebar moustache. They are essentially reduced to the live mode of transport for a handlebar moustache. Their hopes, dreams and aspirations subside, rendering them an emotionally-barren, person-shaped viewing platform for […]

July 19, 2015

I have a lot of very strong feelings about puffer jackets. As in, I would rather light myself on fire in a desperate plea for warmth than be seen dead (which obviously I would be if I was to light myself on fire) in a puffer jacket. If I was stranded in an Antarctic blizzard […]