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Stressed, Depressed and Well-Dressed

September 18, 2016

Transition from post-sexual endeavour to Friday morning tutorial Let’s be real, how often do you actually attend this class? Will you really fail the paper if you don’t go, just this once? Would it even be that bad if you did fail, subsequently prolonging your degree, and with it the alarming frequency of your quarter-life […]

September 4, 2016

We’ve all experienced the feeling that comes with perusing the invite list of an upcoming social event, only to discover that a former dating human shall be in attendance. That amalgamation of dread and some sort of sadistic, twisted satisfaction, at the thought that they’ll see you there, (ideally) shit hot and exquisitely unattainable. The […]

August 7, 2016

After braving (read: near developing frostbite, regularly crying, and enduring approx. seven colds per year) 2.5 Wellington winters I have developed a vague sense of how NOT to go about dressing oneself. More so after a recent spontaneous galavant to Dunedin in fucking July (Do I have a death wish?? Perhaps?), where upon exiting the […]

May 29, 2016

  Last week I chose to survive off $5.72 (post supermarket—do not panic, I am alive) for five days so as to purchase a pair of pink, glittery Miu Miu* sunglasses. After a recent five day Bloody Mary bender / alco-holiday with the main squeeze, my savings account (read: all nine accounts) were looking absolutely […]

May 15, 2016

In response to my prior column, “what to do when your boy toy dresses like shit” (inspired by a particularly heinous pair of white dad jeans owned by a former man friend), I decided to address the current state of writer’s block I am suffering as a result of my current boyfriend. It isn’t that […]

May 1, 2016

Hi, bleach-blonde baby Jess, Where are your eyebrows, child?! You will soon (thankfully) ditch the purple eyeshadow, learn to apply eyeliner without looking like Pete Wentz circa 2007 (leave your fucking waterline alone), and that leopard print should never, under any circumstances whatsoever, be worn in public. Future Jess will be mad as hell that […]

April 10, 2016

  There is nothing worse than the heightened self awareness and low-key embarrassment that accompany being abrasively and inappropriately dressed for whatever social situation you find yourself in. Here is a short field guide to maintaining appropriate attire in any scenario:   Accidental encounter with man-friend’s parents/siblings/entire extended family who happen to be drunk at […]

March 20, 2016

Having spent several of my formative years upon a subtropical tourist mecca, catered to the over-privileged and tasteless (Waiheke Island), I have developed both a disproportionate hatred for sand, sun, and scenic tours, and an alarming enthusiasm for wine tastings. I forget that it isn’t normal for everyone’s parents to have pools, tennis courts, and […]