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*News*

March 18, 2019

The following is a true account. It’s real and it’s not okay. It was my first tutorial at university, and it started off in a very normal way. We walked in and sat down in dead silence; the only thing connecting us the deep-seated fear of having to be that one kid who had to […]

March 11, 2019

There is growing speculation at Otago University around the relationship between student magazine Critic Te Arohi and its most popular son, the Critic Booze Reviews (CBR).   What began as a playful, fun review of alcoholic beverages intermingled with quality banter has turned into a bloodthirsty power struggle. CBR has exploded in size in since […]

March 4, 2019

In a watershed moment for first-year student Josh Smith, sources have revealed that he spent NZD$125.99 of actual real-life money on a brand new textbook for a 100-level Politics paper. Mr Smith reportedly walked into the Kelburn branch of VicBooks, assuming the relevant stack of glued-together paper was worth its exorbitant asking price. Witnesses told […]

February 25, 2019

On February 13, we were forced to love and leave our favourite 15-year-old in the cold red deserts of our imagination.   Taking humanity farther than it had ever been before, the Mars Rover (Opportunity) blitzed the competition for Best Teenager in the Universe for the third year in a row. Commentators suggest the win […]

February 25, 2019

MyVictoria has been renamed “MyTools” in the University Council’s newest attempt to rebrand the University. A Victoria University Council member leaked a ten-step plan titled “Now You See Me” for the ongoing name change battle. The change is the first of many in a string of micro-revisions to create the illusion that Chris Hipkins did […]

February 25, 2019

While thousands of new students partake in Victoria University’s O-Week festivities, not all are having the same set of magical experiences as literally everyone else. Josh Smith, 18, of Palmerston North, is reported to have only made a few casual acquaintances with people across the hall.   Meanwhile, the rest of his floor have already […]

October 15, 2018

This month, for the seventh straight month in a row, the latest climate change report has been released to remind us that we’re fucked if we don’t act now. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) released their report last Sunday that explains how much global warming is actually “not here to play your little […]

October 15, 2018

White North American girls across Wellington have joined to form a “Spring Solidarity” support group, to cope with missing autumn in the Northern Hemisphere. The group meets in Starbucks every Tuesday afternoon to sip pumpkin spice lattes and flip through Instagram photos of their antipodal friends. “#decorativegourd, #fallenleaves, #octobervibes…I’m missing out on all of that,” […]

October 15, 2018

Kylie Jenner and her baby are “on a roll”, a line Salient has shamelessly stolen from Us Weekly. Salient would hereby like to acknowledge the debt we owe to Kylie Jenner and the publications that cover her continuing existence and that of the baby. Though we do not care about the baby for itself, the […]