Five reasons why we didn’t win the World Cup
1. Bad strategy: we won all our pool games and had to play France, who didn’t
2. We scored fewer points than France did
3. We spent too much money
4. We didn’t get into the final
5. Helen Clark decided to turn up to the French game
Five reasons why Graham Henry should be the All Blacks coach
1. His Weetbix card looks much better
2. All Black management have publicly said he has done everything right
3. Robbie Deans can then coach Australia and ensure they lose to NZ every time
4. Henry didn`t throw THAT forward pass.
5. He has a better sense of humour
Five reasons why Salient didn’t get the best publication at the recent ASPA awards
1. Salient had too much mainstream media coverage
2. Salient is harder to spell than Craccum.
3. Steve Nicoll refused to sleep with any of the judges
4. Our publication is the biggest and judges didn’t have time to read it all
5. Judges didn’t like publications that are printed on newsprint
Five ways to liven up your lectures
1. Tell everyone Salient is hot – then use it to make a dart and light the end of it
2. Fart quietly and say “excuse me” very loudly
3. Sit under your desk with your head in your hands and repeatdly moan “The earthquake is coming”
4. Loudly thank the lecturer every time he writes on the whiteboard
5. Ask the same question every 10 minutes during the lecture
Five ways to pass exams
1. Answer most of the questions correctly
2. Stick your notes under the toilet seat and excuse yourself every 30 minutes
3. The same way you pass wind – stick the exam paper up your anus and let it drop
4. Sit next to someone with big writing
5. Sit a paper where everyone else is likely to be thicker than you
Words to say instead of saying ‘fuck’
1. bother
2. blast
3. shucky-darn
4. drat
5. shit
Ball sports you can play instead of football
1. Testiball
2. Adamsappball
3. Nippball
4. Clarkball
5. Kneecapball
Five teams who think they are better than they actually are
1. A-Team
2. All Blacks
3. Team Evil Dallas Rock Band
4. Manchester United
5. US Presidential Prayer Team
Officers who have an anger problem
1. Truancy officers
2. Police officers
3. VUWSA Returning officers
4. Corrections officers
5. GOAL – Gay Officers Action League
