1. The fact she “goes to the toilet” everytime a police siren goespast
2. The fact she didn’t know you were coming
3. There’s an eerie similarity to the morning’s horoscope
4. Poverty
5. Her three divorces
Things not to feed a baby
1. Curry
2. Their own nappies
3. Mice
4. Chicken bones
5. Absinthe
Insights about the French
1. If they build an Arc de Triomphe when they lose, what do they do when they win?
2. And have they ever won?
3. And before you start, Napoleon was Corsican
4. And he still lost
5. Plus they smell
Ways to Commemorate September 11, 2001
1. Taking flight lessons
2. Another fucking documentary
3. International Day of Fear
4. Racism
5. By moving on
Things not to do in a hospital
1. Suck off anybody in quarantine.
2. Yell “I dare you God, I fucking dare you!”
3. Walk around in a Grim Reaper costume.
4. Scream “Fire!” in the Burn Ward.
5. Pretend to be anaetheticised.
Things that are going to happen to you when you get old
1. Cataracts
2. Arthritis
3. Loose bowels
4. Cancer
5. Death
Honest phrases to put on baby tee-shirts
1. “Incubator”
2. “Slapper on Lay-by”
3. “You’re so ugly that if you were a triplet, you’d be the one on the bottle”
4. “The Kahui Fight Club”
5. “Tea-bag Me”
Childhood characters who must have turned out ga
1. George from the Famous Five
2. The kid who played Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
3. Bert from Sesame Street
7. Snugglepuss
8. Stephanie from Full House
New euphemisms for taking someone’s virginity
1. Deseeding the pomegranate
2. Mutilating the hymen
3. Breaking the seal (do not purchase if already open)
4. Parting the Red Sea
5. Goring the Spaniard
Types of booger
1. The spiky one
2. The hairy one
3. The one where you know it exists, but you just can’t find it
4. The bloody one
5. The hanger
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