1. Aren’t you the hypnotist?
2. You were the 14th girl I tried picking up last night
3. Isn’t that a Marsden uniform?
4. Same time, same place, next year?
5. Does this make me a lesbian now?
Necrophiliac Sex Positions
1. Hoeing the grave.
2. Pet cemetery doggy-style
3. Rescucitating a victim
4. Ridin’ a stiffy
5. Rigorous mortis
Moments from Holmes’ Debut Show
1. “Am I supposed to be pushing a button?”
2. “Can’t a man of God look spunky?”
3. Flipside for seniors – viewer text messages
4. Cutting live to query whether his tree had been watered
5. Asking Cherie Blair the hard question: “Your home life is pretty normal, isn’t it?”
Uni Myths Dispelled
1. It makes you think
2. There’s a job waiting for you when you leave
3. You’ll have plenty of great sex with nubile youngsters
4. Tutors know more than you do
5. You’ll need to spend 18 hours a week studying
Things the Pope would like to do before he dies
1. Get laid
2. Take his lucky, thrice-blessed dice for a weekend trip to Vegas
3. Declare war on San Marino
4. Donuts in the Pope-mobile
5. Finally finish reading the Bible
Michael Jackson Trial Defenses
1. “I did not have sexual relations with that child”
2. “I inhaled, but never swallowed”
3. Neverland has its own age-of-consent laws
4. “Bubbles did it”
5. Insanity
Most Inappropriately Sexy Film Scenes
1. The shower scene – Schindler’s List
2. The opening scene of Irreversible
3. When the comatose Snow White gets snogged
4. Attack of the 50ft Woman
5. Michael Jackson dancing with midgets in The Wiz
Places to Go after Ori Gigs
1. Beds – yours, hers, his, whoever
2. Sexual health clinic
3. Walk to A&E – that would be impressive
4. Running through the Mt Victoria Tunnel – clothes optional
5. Doesn’t matter, you won’t remember
Bank Giveaways for Students
1. Free bag full of money
2. A degree in loan sharkery
3. Free DVD of ‘Heat’
4. Ball and chain
5. Death Rays
Reasons to Drop Out Now
1. Course-related costs have already arrived
2. Hot chicks always go out with losers
3. The best year of your life is behind you
4. Because we don’t like you
5. Because we don’t need no education – we don’t need no thought control
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