26/03/07
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Pirates of the Caribbean: Comic Porn

Keira Knightley’s dreams finally come true

So, the inevitable has finally happened and someone (www.sinfulcomics.com) has made a Pirates of the Caribbean porno comic. But it was always going to happen.

The sexual tension in the first two movies was so hardcore, that the only logical way for the third one to end is with Captain Jack and boring old Orlando engaging in a ménage à trois with Keira Knightley. It’s the only way that all the characters will be left happy at the end. Especially Keira.

The fanboys have spoken. This is the way Pirates of the Caribbean should end. I mean, in the real world, it’s probably closer to how pirates would behave (though the octopus is kinda questionable). Knightley’s character has been into them both the whole time and flirted outrageously with one or the other, depending on who she wanted to rescue her.

The website which is home to the porno pirates comic is actually fucken weird – on first appearance. Your eyes are assaulted with full on porno cartoon drawings (we have it on record from an art student that the art is “quite good”) of real life actresses getting hot. But when you think about it, the whole thing is not really weird at all (but creepy? Yeah definitely). It is the most predictable fan boy, comic book nerd website in the world. Of course computer geeks and comic nerds are going to want to draw hot babes in sexy poses – it’s the unmistakeable allure of the comic babe (Rogue! Catwoman! Electra!) combined with the women in the real world who they will never be able to have sex with. It’s the ultimate fantasy, of course with the necessary over-inflated boobs.

But what is troubling about the whole thing is that poor Keira doesn’t seem to get any pleasure out of her three-way, especially when the Octopus/Squid ghost man joins in. That’s right, a female is being objectified in comic porn. Maybe one could read this as ironic (because it’s art, it’s caricature and it’s possible that some ‘creative type’ had some message he or she wanted to tell us by making Keira’s tits so huge but we’re not sure we’re convinced) though either way the artists have certainly followed the conventions typical of porn that caters to hetero males, it’s basically just about the men getting their kicks at the expense of the chicks. So if you’re a good feminist, you probably won’t get into looking at Keira Knightley getting banged by a man who is half fish. Unless you think you’ll be inspired by the artistic merits or something. Or you’re writing an article for Salient.

But what the creators of this comic didn’t count on was Disney’s reaction to it. Being the owners of the characters, they weren’t too keen. In fact they were “outraged” by someone else using their characters in a way they hadn’t thought of first to make money (or didn’t reflect their child-friendly image) and threatened legal action if the site didn’t take the pictures down. Disney is big. Huge in fact. So like any small company would, Sinful Comics bowed to the pressure of rich, powerful Disney and took the pirate porn down, posting this well-written comment on their blog:

“Yes we temporarily removed the scandalous toons from the site and I believe it will be up very soon as we just don’t want any problems with Disney. And it looks like they are just promoting their new movies using this toons :) Mass media is a huge free advertising area when it comes about scandals :) Best Regards. Andy @ Sinful Comics”

But luckily, despite most of the “scandalous toons” being removed from the site, it’s worth looking at, purely for the great comments. The best ones are under the few salacious pics that are still up there of Keira and Squidman having a sweet nasty time. It appears nobody can get over those tentacles. ‘Jose’ writes eloquently, “oh I bet squid man can hit the g-spot with the extra tentacles!!!” And ‘Bonez’ states, “I don’t really care about the ‘realism’ – it’s a fuckin’ porno comic based on a pirate movie for crissakes! What gets me is that she’s having all this sex with the same blank look on her face. If you’re getting fucked by tentacle-man, I’d think you’d be a little more expressive.” While a ‘John Smith’ says simply, “I want to see GAY PORN!!”

So check it out, but don’t do it at home, work or uni where it’ll get blocked or you’ll get fired. Or be like us and do it at a net café where everyone has a prime view of your screen and takes advantage of this. Because that’s just really, really fun.

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Comments (6)

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  1. Laura says:

    I would love to see this porn film as it looks so sexy

  2. Zuby mike says:

    I have been dreaming of this movie untill i come across this place. well thats cute,i will love to see it.

  3. PIrates 2 says:

    There is always the “other” Pirates porno to satisfy that xxx swashbuckling urge..the second one just came out.

  4. Jackson Wood says:

    Scary thing is that in the top ten search engine items used to find Salient in the last week: Pirate Porn, Pirates Porn, Pirates of the Caribbean Porn were all in the top five. Thanks America!

  5. Sweaty Chode says:

    Fuck you all i fucked kiera knightly so hard in the ass. Shes a fucking joke she has no ass and needs 4 ply when she crys cuz shes bleeding so bad…FUCK the chode face fucking floppy fish fucking flopping and flopping im gonna rip your nuts off and stick it in you stigola.

  6. Jackson: We get the same thing, actually. For some reason ‘free porn’ is always in our top ten search keywords. I’m not surprised that people are looking for free porn, but how many pages of Google returns do you have to wade through to find us? A hundred? Five hundred? A thousand?

    There must be some seriously industrious wankers out there.