1. The Lord of the Rings
2. The ‘Underarm Bowling Incident’
3. Orewa speech
4. ’81 Springbok Tour
5. Otago University
Best Diseases
1. Penis Elephantitis
2. Vitiligo
3. Alcoholism
4. Nymphomania
5. Logorrhea
Improvements to the Game of Cricket
1. Balls
2. Remove the box
3. Landmines
4. An ‘Acid’ Test
5. Ban the fucking game entirely
Shitty Words
1. Guesstimate – Don’t “guess” and “estimate” pretty much cover the range of possibility here?
2. Whilst – Useless, “while” doesn’t need a conjunction, it’s already a conjunction in itself.
3. Paradigm – Used by stupid people to sound smart. It means “thing”.
4. Gay – Far too many connotations; let’s just stick with queer, happy or lame.
5. Heaps – If you say ‘heaps’ heaps, perhaps it’s time to find a new adjective/noun/adverb.
Things the acronym NCEA should stand for
1. No Cunt Ever Achieves
2. Nobody Cares about Exams Anyway
3. Noam Chomsky Eats Arse
4. Noddy Craves Extra Anal
5. National Certificate of Educational Achievement
Things We Don’t Want to Hear About in the Letters Pages
1. God
2. Poos
3. First-years
4. Feminism
5.Anything critical of the magazine, motherfuckers
Brothel Slogans
1. ‘More Fuck for Your Buck’
2. ‘More Bang for Your Gang’
3. ‘Free Handjobs For Frequent Johns’
4. ‘Crabs-free Guarantee’
5. ‘Show Us Your Crack’
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