09/03/09
by

Collective groan heard whenever mature student raises hand

In the week that Wasn’t this week a LAWS 121 class has become so infuriated by the incessant questioning of one of its mature members, it has decided to render its disgust with a loud, collective groan.

The 9am stream began airing its disgust when it became clear Janet Sampson, 54, would not shut the fuck up about anything not connected to the subject being taught.

Sources claim Sampson would raise her hand “each and every time” one of the three course teachers would take a breath to enquire about “some meaningless detail that anyone with a pair of working ears could probably explain.”

“That old bitch is ruining everything,” said Max Hamilton, 18.

“I’m trying to remember what the three articles of the Treaty of Waitangi are, and she’s asking the guy at the front what the Treaty of Waitangi is. It’s like she’s never learned anything ever.”

The decision for the class to articulate its feelings of anguish and despair through a loud, piercing groan was something conjured through an innate sense of overwhelming bitterness.

“I was just looking around the room at all these angry faces,” said Kylie Smith, 19.

“People were screwing up bits of paper, tapping their fingers, banging their heads against the desk, mouthing things like ‘I’m gonna fuck you up, grandma’—they were not happy.”

In perhaps the only time this publication will dabble in anything remotely investigative, Salient sent along a volunteer to sit a row behind Mrs. Sampson and make note of the times she raised her hand.
Ten minutes into the 90-minute lecture, she had already asked 13.5 questions.

Six were more or less blatant rewordings of the original question, “What is the Treaty of Waitangi?”

Seven related to the names of the lecturer’s children, the motivation for each name, and whether or not they “ate all their din dins.”

The last 0.5 may have had something to do with how “easy peasy” cooking a wholesome stir fry was, but Sampson was cut off mid-sentence by an irate student in the fifth row screaming, “DIE! JUST FUCKING DIE! HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN ROLL OVER AND DIE!”

When asked about her classmates’ furious reaction towards her, Sampson was surprised.

“They’re booing at me? Deary dear… I thought they were groaning at having to do more homework!” she chuckled.

“The younger generation need to learn that us old fuddy duddies take a little bit longer to learn. We can’t all be sprouty sprout sprouts!”

In response to Sampson’s incomprehensible gibberish, LAWS 121 members were unremitting in their hatred.

“We get, like, a 15 minute break, yeah? And I wanna go ask Whatshisname Morris at the front about Maori succeeding sovereignty, but before I get to the front, there’s Gladys suckin’ all his air telling him about how she weeded the garden over the weekend,” said Michael Rickards, a Weir House resident.

“You can tell he just wants her to fuck off and let him go to the bathroom, but that woman is relentless,” added Amanda Smith, 18.

“She’s like the bad guy from Terminator II. You could blow her head off with a shoulder-mounted laser beam and she’d still find a way to talk about her grandson’s painting,” said Richard Mackson, 19.

“Fuck her and fuck her sprouts,” Rickards said.

No one from the Law Faculty would talk to Salient about Mrs. Sampson, but in a statement released hours before going to print, an anonymous source from within the Old Government Buildings wrote, “They should be grateful she’s not in their tutorials.”

“But if she is, may god have mercy on their souls.”

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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (29)

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  1. Matamuso_Watkins228 says:

    As a mature student I am deeply offended by this piece and am going to sue you for a violation of the Human Rights act due to being age-ist, also defamation, and breach of confidence, also this piece goes against the principles of the treaty of Waitangi.

    Well at least I think it does. I wouldn’t know. I’m too busy asking questions in LAWS 121 which showcase how much more world experience and intelligence I possess than my 18 – 22-year-old counterparts.

  2. Rory Pryce says:

    omg

  3. Goku_Karori_28 says:

    heh

  4. Matamuso_Watkins228 says:

    Rory Pryce: You say “omg” when what I think you mean to say is “Oh my god”.

    We’re not all as young as you, so you’re going to have to stop with all this abbreviations and text message language.

    I’m just standing up for Mature Student’s rights under the UN declaration of Independence and the New Zealand Bill of Rights (1974), as well as under the New Zealand Constitution act, which I am pretty sure stops you from discriminating against people.

  5. dd says:

    matamuso_watkins228,

    how about thinking of the hundreds of other students who have paid to be in that class and are not getting what they should out of the class just because some woman keeps asking questions that are totally off the topic of laws 121??!!??!!??

    if an old fuddy duddy student takes longer to learn that young sprouty sprouts, then they should do something about it outside of class time, NOT during class at the expense of other students learning.

    and before you accuse me of being some sprouty sprout, let me assure you, i am not. in saying that, i am not a fuddy duddy student either. i am a mature student who can fully understand where the younger generation of students in laws 121 is coming from.

    build a bridge and get over it!

  6. BK Drinkwater says:

    If I wasn’t convinced that Matamuso_Watkins228′s comments were themselves inspired satire, here’s what I’d say.

    Matamuso_Watkins228, perhaps, just perhaps, if you paid attention in LAWS 121 instead of waging a retarded war against the generation that will be feeding you in your apparently rapidly-approaching senility, you might learn a few things.

    You may, for instance, learn that there is nothing—nothing at all—in the Human Rights Act (1993) that protects you from being mocked, let alone that affords such protection to purely fictitious characters like Janet Simpson.

    It is extraordinary that you regard this satire as defamatory. Until you posted on this thread, there was no reason for anyone to think of you as the real-world avatar of Janet Simpson. Quite why you should so eagerly volunteer yourself for this dubious role is beyond me, and everyone else who’s reading. But you’ve made your bed, and now you must lie in it. Now, a collective groan is heard whenever Matamuso_Watkins228 posts a comment. Either get used to it, or start behaving like a grown-up.

    I am trying to think what confidence has been breached here. A word of advice: hold off on the scary lawyer words until you know what you’re talking about. If you’re unsure, wait until you’ve, y’know, passed LAWS 121.

    The most important Treaty Principle is that it implies a partnership, exercised with the utmost good faith. By bandying about the words “Principles of the Treaty of Waitangi” in such an idle and uninformed manner, you serve only to undermine this cornerstone.

    Finally, regarding your second comment. There is no such thing as “the UN Declaration of Independence.” The Bill of Rights Act is of 1990 vintage, not 1974. The Constitution Act is silent on the matter of discrimination, which is distinct from satire, which is incidentally another thing the Act is silent on.

    Now, for the love of Zac Efron, learn something before you try embarrassing yourself again.

    Fortunately, I am convinced that Matamuso_Watkins228 is writing satire here. No real person could possibly be this stupid. And so I say: kia ora, Matamuso_Watkins228, kia ora.

  7. Conrad Reyners says:

    Way to kill the fun with all your fancy knowledge BK.

    (But I wholeheartedly endorse and support your contribution)

  8. Brunswick says:

    I think perhaps at least two people have missed the joke… and they might not be the two people you think.

  9. Superior Mind says:

    It was me wasn’t it. I think it was me.

  10. Dear editor,

    My name is Janet Sampson, and I writing to express my deepest unhappiness at the publication of this article.

    When Michael Oliver approached me for a comment, it was in regards to what he described as a “completely wholesome” article on age discrepancies in first year law classes. I was shocked and appalled to find that my remarks were horrificly misappropriated to make me look foolish.

    I would greatly appreciate a full retraction and apology for the sadness and stress you’ve brought me and my family.

    Yours,

    Janet Sampson.

  11. Hi, I’m Janet Sampson, from Manchester. Just to let you all know, this story is not about me, and I’m not 54: I am 47.

    I just put my name into the google and found this. I hope everything is going well for you guys down there in New Zealand.

    Love and kisses.

    Janet Simpson

  12. Matamuso_Watkins228 says:

    slut

  13. old fuddy duddy says:

    As an old fuddy duddy, I would appreciate the humour that apparently exists in this article be pointed out to me. Is it the same kind of humour that has kids tying cans to cats tals? Is it a requirement of becoming a lawyer to possess this humour? Is it funny because it voices the feelings that are held against older students? I admit that there are a few students that should not be taking law. That doesnt stop the law faculty from accepting their fees.

  14. Jackson Wood says:

    *Salient office collectively groans at another comment about this article*

  15. Hank Scorpio says:

    as a young sprouty sprout sprout, I’d appreciate it if you stopped posting garbage.

  16. old fuddy duddy says:

    So, where was the humour? It escapes me. Do I have to be a law student to get it? Must I follow Morris around like a puppy with its tongue hanging out to understand the article?

  17. Hank Scorpio says:

    why are you so dumb

  18. old fuddy duddy says:

    I’m an old fuddy duddy, thats why I’m dumb. Since you are so clever, please be so kind as to point out the humour in this. I really want to learn, thats why I’m here.

  19. Jackson Wood says:

    old fuddy duddy—Here is an idea:

    go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humor

    Concentrate on the second point after the “Humour formulae” sub-heading.

    Then read this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jokes_and_their_Relation_to_the_Unconscious

    One of my contributors is going to post a Freudian analysis of the humour especially for you. That’s just how committed we are to making you understand this joke.

    After that, if you still have doubts, I suggest you read this:

    http://www.apa.org/journals/features/psp7761121.pdf

    Then if you still don’t get it, you should write humour column for publication in Salient. Go on. I dare you.

  20. Hank Scorpio says:

    and maybe old fuddy duddy can reply with an indepth analysis on why he or she is so incomprehensibly garbage

  21. old fuddy duddy says:

    Thank you for that, its all clear now. You have sexual fantasies about your dear old mum! Please, please do NOT tell the poor woman about this, the shock may be too much for her.
    It also explains why you used the word ‘fuck’ so often.
    It also explains why so many of you young sprouty sprout sprouts come on to me.
    Cheers

  22. Hank Scorpio says:

    more like old cruddy duddy get it

    why are you the king of the garbage men

  23. Moomama says:

    old people what u doing at uni man u too old must be a looser?

  24. old fuddy duddy says:

    aha !Moomama, I got the joke! For, surely you jest? Although, I must admit, I was fairly loose in my younger years, I had lots of time. Wasn’t locked up at uni…

  25. Al Gangbang says:

    This hilarious, everyone else shut the fuck up.

  26. Al Gangbang says:

    This is **

    Ooooh double post for grammar correction, oh no you di’int

  27. Mikey says:

    *Gets out red pen.*

  28. Salient blows says:

    fuck this is lame. Salient aint the onion.