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March 20, 2006 | by  | in Features |
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You Know The Odds

Pundits are predicting a close race in this year’s Queer Officer by-election, with none of the candidates showing any signs of the charisma necessary to influence, or even gain the attention of, the student body. Rachel Leat is currently considered the betting man’s favourite due to a complete failure to address the voting public, sparing her from having to resort to the cringe-inducing false self-deprecation practised by the other two candidates. Also in Leat’s favour is that she has a vagina, which has historically proved a big draw card for swing voters. William Howell proved an early favourite but has lost favour with the bookies following wild and completely unconfirmed allegations that he has spent a significant amount of time in Palmerston North over the last few years. He still holds a considerable lead over his nearest rival, James Mulligan-Hill who has been unable to shake dogged rumours that he may in fact be a homosexual.

Rachel Leat
3 to 2
William Howell
4 to 1
James Mulligan-Hill
12 to 1

While the Environmental Officer by-election may seem to be a two horse race, one of the candidates is, in fact, a very large Shetland pony. Both candidates have undergone extensive plastic surgery in the build-up to the election however and so appear anthropomorphic for the most part. With both Tushara Kodikara and Martin Wilson standing on the highly unoriginal pro-environment platform, there appears to be very little in the way of differentiation between the two candidates. Regardless of which way the electorate swings, towards either voting or not voting, there is going to be a smelly holier-than-thou hippy elected to the student representative body. Initial polls do suggest that Tushara may have a slight advantage as his name is much more fun to say, which can be considered a big draw card with first time voters.

Tushura Kodikara
2 to 1
Martin Wilson
3 to 1

The bookies are banking on an upset in the 2006 International Students Officer position with Spanky the Sock Monkey widely favoured as a write-in candidate. With his illustrious career in local government and the whole-hearted support of the criminal underworld, Spanky is seen by many as the future International Officer in all but name. Also running in the election will be three relatively unknown candidates, Shijun Li, Yue Shi and Greg Carstens, none of whom are believed to be convicted paedophiles. Commentators have dismissed Carstens’ promise to crush all the pathetic fools who would dare stand in his way, the voting public don’t seem to be so sure, which is reflected in the slightly higher odds Carsten has been posting in the last week before the election. In recent CNB polls, voters have indicated that while Shijun Li is the candidate they would most like to get rat-assed down at the local with, Yue Shi is still regarded as the candidate most voters would prefer to eat a fried egg off of the naked twitching body of.

Spanky the Sock Monkey
2 to 1
Yue Shi
11 to 1
Shijun Li
11 to 1
Greg Cartsens
12 to1

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About the Author ()

Nick Holm, feared by his enemies, loved by his friends, is the whore of student media. Having cut his teeth working for the California Aggie, and come closer to committing hate crimes than anyone will ever really know while the News Editor of Massey\'s Chaff, he\'s somehow beached himself at Salient for the near future. Haunted by prophetic dreams that show him tantalising glimpses of a future that may come to pass if he fails to prevent the robot uprising he will like you if you bring coffee or malt liquor.

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