1. Bare ankles
2. ‘Rate My Barn’ section
3. Butterchurning tips
4. Best Beards 2006
5. Buggy maintenance

Things to Get as Engagement Presents

1. A $10 voucher to the Warehouse
2. Marriage counselling
3. 30 feet of sausage
4. An ‘I slept with your fiancee’ card
5. A pair of cold feet

Campaign Slogans for Don Brash in the Next Election

1. Taxes are for Poor People
2. Stud
3. The Brown-Brasher
4. Finger Lickin’ Good
5. A rich white man you can trust

Things not to do Into The Wind

1. Use smoke signals
2. Run uphill
3. Wank
4. Flamethrowing
5. Cast a vote

News You Just Don’t Like Hearing

1. I’m pretty sure that was poisonous
2. . . . and it’s not yours, but we’re still getting married, right?
3. Family Guy has been cancelled
4. Death missing as the rest of the Horseman run rampage
5. There’s a nationwide condom recall

Disney Cartoons That Never Made It

1. Mein Kampf
2. Bambi 2: Mother’s Revenge
3. Fetal Force 5
4. When Aladdin Met Osama
5. Oedipus Rex

Things Rabbis do with Cut-off Foreskins

1. Marinate them
2. Pencil holders
3. Sausage stuffing
4. Leave them as a “tip”
5. Give them to Catholic priests

Things That Almost Made it Into The US Constitution

1. An amendment stipulating that “thou who smelt it, didst dealt it”
2. Contains no preservatives
3. All men are created equal . . . but some are more equal than others
4. A MAD-style fold-in of Jefferson and Franklin fucking Martha
5. Slavery is illegal

Peter Jackson’s Next Movie

1. Tetris
2. King Kong: The remake
3. Herpes: the movie
4. Lord of the Dance: Michael Flatley Finds The Ring
5. Another fucking awesome zombie movie again, please?

Phrases That Can Easily Be Taken Out of Context

1. Yeah, but we do so much with hookers
2. We sent her to a farm
3. Islamic fundamentalism isn’t so bad
4. My best friend in primary school was Maori
5. Quilting is the shit