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July 9, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Idiot’s Guide to Exams

So you got into trouble, didn’t you idiot? You somehow managed to stumble your way through most of the semester, making noodles whenever hungry, and finding friends at every opportunity, and yet you faced your biggest hurdle – exams. Because of this, I thought that I would take time out of my busy schedule and tell you how you could have aced your exams, or at least passed them.

If you’ve taken my advice you enrolled in either a marketing or an arts paper. If you were lucky enough to have multi-choice exams, then stop worrying now. Multi-choice exams are given by lecturers who are probably even lazier than you. Except unlike you they have an income. They don’t want to lose this income. So they won’t fail you. Now there is an urban legend that all you have to do for multi-choice is to enter ‘B’. This is a lie. I tried it once and got less than 25 per cent. So what should you, an idiot, therefore do? At my high school we simply employed an Asian to sit the exam for us. But seeing as this may not be possible for you owing to an idiot’s mistrust of anyone different, you’ll probably have to find another way for future exams. The simplest answer would be to cheat. That’s probably way above your intelligence level to work out how. Some say hiding answers in a sealed plastic bag in the cistern of the toilets is the key. Not me, I wouldn’t know and have certainly never tried that. Some idiots say that hard work and persistence is the solution. But no, that’s not for me, and I’m sure that’s not for you. The answer for any idiot in any multi-choice exam is to try and spell out as many words with the letters as possible. If you only have options up until D, this proves difficult. If you’re lucky enough to go up to F then any number of amusing words is available to spell. My longest is FAÇADE. So that’s multi-choice sorted. Now for the main course – the essay.

The simplest way of being able to answer any essay is to get the knack of answering circuitously. For idiots who lost me at the second syllable of that ‘circu’ word this means you just repeat yourself in as many creative ways as possible. Those who master this art are able to more or less repeat themselves ad infinitum, by that I mean that they can restate their general proposition as many times as they need to in order to fill up as much space on the page as possible.

That last paragraph only really had one point and yet it took up more than 100 words. If you manage to get really good at this then you can join one of the many hundreds of idiots to have been successful politicians, student or otherwise. Sure your essay will be boring, but all essays are, right idiot? If you are doing an arts paper, throw in a few metaphors or similes BUT NEVER, and I will repeat this, BUT NEVER USE ONOMATOPOEIA. While a good figurative allusion or comparison always goes down well to any marker, a well placed ‘CRASH!’ or ‘PLOP’ seldom wins favours (with any marker). Just because Batman does it doesn’t mean you should do it. Especially in an exam. If you’re unsure what a metaphor is, it is best to think of a mushroom, whereas a simile is ‘like’ a mushroom. I think I’ve made my point.

Keep this up and eventually you’ll be at the end of your essay. Resist the temptation to kill of any of your main characters – in fact, if you have put any characters in your essay, best go back and scribble them out – perhaps substituting in your lecturer’s name. All you have to do now is just put a brief conclusion in. Or, what a lot of idiots do, put in an apt quote that neatly summarises your argument. Look at the quote you wrote. If you have written “Ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee, that’s all folks!” then go back and think of another. Surely one quote must have seeped into your brain after all those hours asleep in the lecture? If not, just put some Latin, academics love Latin.

That’s all there is to it. In no time you’ll be out of any future exam and drinking. If you’re desperate, take some alcohol in with you in your sipper bottle. Try not to drink too much before the last 15 minutes, but after that you’re allowed, in fact encouraged, to go back on the razzle. With the essay done, you’ll find you are allowed to use Batman quotes. Make sure you’ve handed the essay in, then stand on your chair, raise one arm to the sky and say “TO THE BATCAVE”. Then run out and on to your next idiotic adventure! So I hope your exams went well, idiot. Don’t worry too much about them, you can always do summer school or go to Massey. That’s all folks.

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