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July 9, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Zombie Army of Doom assembles!

During the break G.N.M scoured the globe to bring you the hard and fast stories that you really need to know, to live in this oh so complicated world we live in. This week G.N.M was contacted by one of its long standing correspondents in the ground in Russia.

Reports have been flooding in for the last two days off the wire as eyewitness accounts of a large army of recently and not so recently dead have been assembling in the wastes of northern Russia. G.N.M in conjunction with major news agencies and research facilities across the globe combined to bring you this scoop of a lifetime, of which will surely be the coming of the end of our lifetime. G.N.M reporter Michael Amott has headed up the research into the coming of Armageddon and has compiled an extensive report on how the coming of the Zombie army of Doom is connected with that of Afghanistan freezing over and the birth of a two headed rat in West Virginia.

Your Life

How the Zombie Legion of Doom will affect you.

By Michael Amott.

Last week it was confirmed by the head of the Red army in Russia that his forces had been, for some time, monitoring a growing number of what looked like burn-out old hippies that had decided to congregate in some kind of Commune in the northern wastes of Russia. It then came to light in the early hours of Monday June 23 that in fact the congregation was not hippies at all, but a large group of Zombies who had returned from the grave, or in the case of many of them, dredged themselves up from the depths of time.

As yet the Zombie Army of Doom has not issued any demands or any desires with which to perhaps annex the land upon which they congregate, but it is expected that their leader and figurehead the late Rasputin will issue some kind of press statement within the next couple of days.

Environmental groups have been quick to blame the dumping of excessive quantities of nuclear and chemical waste in the northern parts of Russia for the birth of the impending doom by zombies, but Russian officials have been quick to point out that a large contingent of the Zombie Army is not from that part of Russia, nay even from Russia at all. Indeed, as this article is written, roads across the vast nation of Russia have been congested with a growing number of the undead and recently dead who are making their war to what has been nicknamed the ‘Muster ground of DOOM’. The Red army has said that it will attempt to hold back as many of the Zombie journeymen and women as it can, but if they do not violate the statutes of Russia there is little they say they can do.

For the moment it seems that the tide of Zombie flavoured death may indeed be something that even the well trained people of Russia could not hold back. After all, the cold war is over, and people, according to residents of Moscow, have gotten slack. Indeed it seems that in times passed, the people of Russia would have been weary and ready for not only a nuclear holocaust but also a Zombie and even less likely opium holocausts. That said, the underlying facts of the matter cannot be ignored; the coming of the end of days is upon us.

Psychics across the world have prophesied that the mustering of a legion of Zombies and that of a two headed Rat, born of the Virgins name, (in this case it was a slight misread, and was Virginias name, Virginia being the wife of Aristotle), would spell the coming of an Unholy alliance, and we’re not talking that tour of metal acts that runs across America. The alliance would consist of the Zombie Army of Doom, the Aliens that will soon decend from the sky, and the Devil’s hell spawn who will return to earth due to their world being frozen over. As we all know, a few months ago Afghanistan started to experience strange whether conditions which point to hell freezing over, and with the growth of the Zombie Army of Doom one can only infer that Hell may be full, as the dead walk the earth. One thing is certain, people; they are the dead and they’re coming for you!

This can only spell out that the Armageddon we all knew was coming has indeed started to announce its arrival, for this I can say for one that I wait with bated breath to see if indeed the alliance will hold and we will all be destroyed, or if indeed the Aliens have only used the Zombies as puppets and will then retake the world in some kind of heinous plan that came from outer space. With G.N.M, this is Michael Amott keeping you updated with the coming end, as the end time events happen.

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