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March 30, 2009 | by  | in Opinion |
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Sando Saves – Triple Hitter

Kia Ora! Welcome to another ‘Sando Saves.’

Today’s advice is a triple hitter because Jackson, the arsehole editor went and pissed all over our relationship with the president of the Students’ Association. Now she has pulled her exposé on staff wasting student money on excessive dog grooming. News flash: Some dogs got overly pampered. Spoiled your headline there didn’t it?

A charming young man sent this to me via a post card with the humorous slogan, ‘Kiwis eats shoots and leaves.’ The joke is that kiwis are insectivores, a specialised type of carnivore who don’t so much eat vegetable matter as rummage through it for delicious grubs.

“Dear Nic, I was pro the war against Iraq, and to be frank all American foreign policy since Clinton was in power. But now, with the advent of that mulatto, Barack Obama, being in power it has become cool to like America and therefore hate its wars again. I have unfortunately burnt my bridges with the left wing people in my neighbourhood. What do you recommend?” –Percy

Amusing post card writer and blatant racist: He’s not a mulatto—well, I mean, by the very definition of the word Obama is, but you don’t use that word. Biracial is more correct, but as race is a choice, he’s African American. Look, it’s like calling Heather Roy a masseuse who has no business being in the armed forces let alone government. It’s just something that our editor Jackson Wood thought but didn’t say. Out loud to Heather Roy. At her massage parlour. While having a throbbing erection. It’s just something that didn’t happen, and would be considered libel if put into print.

You really should have thought about becoming right thinking and left leaning years ago. Surely you must have seen the writing on the wall? Even Bush could though he was too illiterate to understand it. More fool you and your denim shirt wearing ways, Percival. Do not fear though, for I have a solution.

My advice is simple: I suggest that you vote for the most left wing candidate that you can find in the next election. Consider the ALP. Then strut. Talk about how the [ethnic minority of note] is finally getting the access to the same hard-earned student loan payments as you. State that you look forward to reading more post-colonial literature from the Pacific, because it wasn’t right that Cook forced his Empire on them. Remember, now that the Deaf hate groups have weapons it is only a matter of time before they come for you and your highly mortgaged rental properties. So protect yourself by learning a smattering of NZSL, there’s a reason why it’s one of the official languages of New Zealand. Ooh, ooh! And tell people that they should know some NZSL because there’s a reason why it’s one of the official languages of New Zealand!

Name Withheld writes:

“Dear Nic, I hate myself. I constantly say and/or do things that I think will amuse others when it is clear to everyone else that I just look like a loud mouth. It’s beginning to hurt just getting up in the morning. Every day I contemplate ending it…”

Dear “Name withheld.” It seems that your letter is not actually a question—how am I meant to help you if you do not help me? Notice the question mark on that rhetorical question. Now you have seen the question mark in use you will be able to formulate a question which I can then answer. I hope that through helping your grammar, you can now help me to help you to help me to help you. I stole the next letter out from under the watchful guise of Becci, our “real helping people out person.” God I hate him/her. You know what Becci is short for? Rebecca. That’s right, a name with no ‘I’ in it. What the (famous theatrical theorist/director) Jauqes Lacock is that about?! I want to punch her or him in the face. We’re allowed to do that to Salient staff, right?

“… I started my first serious relationship a few months ago with a really great guy, but he’s recently started bringing up the subject of sex. I really, really like him, but I’m not sure I’m ready to go that far just yet. How do I let him down gently without him breaking up with me?”

Look, I could bullshit you about how this is a sensitive matter but it actually isn’t. If you aren’t prepared to offer him the sexual intercourse (or one of the peripheral sexual acts), it’s your call. Don’t bother with gentility, don’t try and coddle his dumb feelings, it’s a waste of time. If he wants sex more than being with you, the relationship will end anyway. It’s important to note that it is your body. I told my first boyfriend that I didn’t want penetrative anal sex, and that’s the way that we rolled. The fact that you need this advice scares me a little. Actually, looking at the date of the column I stole this from I’m a couple of years out of date. So, unknown him/her, did you manage not to pork him? Have any dormant haemorrhoids erupted yet? Still STI free are we? Or if you’re female, do you have an STI? How about a child and another on the way? Sadly for you, until we find some sort of device to contravene conception you have no choice when it comes to sexual intercourse. It’s a choice between babies or reading.

How about this? Are either of you, the male or female questioner happy? Because, in order to make up for the drivel that I’ve written here, I’ve been instructed by Jackson to say that that’s what Salient hopes that you are.

There’s no magical reason for sex. It’s fun and it sometimes makes babies. That’s really it. We know that it’s not something animals do in the wild, but it’s so natural to our way of life that we don’t think of escaping it. I know, I know, to you it does seem like you can’t live without wiping or tearing up after climaxing, but trust me, after a couple of months alone on an island you’ll hardly remember what it was like to not have an infected and puss dripping orifice; and that metaphor works well for both pooping and having unprotected sex! A winner is me!

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About the Author ()

Nic Sando is a god amongst men, fifteen fathoms high he be, with strange and wyrd powers at his disposal. Only a fool won't harken his ears to the east when he hears The Sando man stumping his way.

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