Top Five Smells

1. Petrol
2. Pet troll
3. Pineapple
4. Shampoo
5. Napalm in the morning

Top Five Reasons You’re Pregnant

1. Condoms are for pussies.
2. You can’t get the ECP in Palmy
3. That special night with Ken Orr
4. Let’s see him leave now
5. Apathy

Top Five People Who Displayed Displeasure With Salient Last Week

1. Paul Henry
2. Tasmin Dismantle
3. The university
4. 90% of the population
5. Ally’s mum

Top Five Things That Are Around Us Right Now

1. Footy
2. Footy
3. Footy
4. FOOTY
5. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOTY

Top Five Things Wrong With Previous Top Five

1. Painfully self-referencial
2. No one cares about footy
3. It’s a transperant and lazy space filler
4. Not nearly as funny as it should be
5. Footy

Top Five Things About Your Dad

1. He’s always right
2. He’s always wrong
3. He’s always thong
4. He’s always fucking the mad shit up
5. He’s always good in the sack

Top Five Schmears

1. Albert Schmear
2. PAP
3. Lisa’s Jalepeno and Lime Hummus
4. Schmear Jet
5. Cream Cheese

Top Five Food Substitutes

1. Chocolax—the laxative-flavoured fitness shake
2. Polystyrene
3. Tyra’s once-toned arms
4. Despair
5. Hamburger Lego

Top Five Reasons We Should Pay Politicians to live in their own houses

1. Because they’re worth it
2. We don’t want them to live on the street, do we?
3. To get them out of sight
4. Bill English. We know where you live.
5. It’s a Duncan Garner-based conspiracy to make more news

Top Five Twitter Feeds

1. @stephenfry (obviously)
2. @common_squirrel
3. @goku_karori_28
4. @swinefluremedy_
5. @Nude_UK_Girls

Top Five Ways to Ruin a Film

1. Cast Shia LaBeouf
2. Less dialogue, more pebbles
3. Genital mutilation
4. Not cast Harvey Keitel
5. Have Uther Dean review It

Top Five Ways to Improve Salient

1. Read it
2. Write it
3. More footy
4. Less footy
5. Genital Mutilation

Top Five Ways of Getting Your Shoes to Tie Themselves

1. Glue
2. The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique
3. Bribery
4. Extortion
5. Emotional blackmail

Top Five Injokes

1. “It’s on the barge!”
2. “There’ll be free beer tomorrow!”
3. “Lack What-a-ka?!”
4. “The monorail to where?!”
5. “Too slippy for some dogs!”

Top Five Things I, Uther Charles Allen Dean, Would Be Doing Rather Than Writing This Top Five

1. Watching the new Torchwood
2. Having a really good wank
3. Tvtropes.org—it’s like crack mixed with heroin mixed with love.
4. Colour coding my focus sheet
5. You

Top Five Reasons to Make Love To a Walrus

1. Their saxophony is better than Bill’s
2. Where are you going to get an aardvark this time of year?
3. Because, counting the Egg Men, it’s a gang bang
4. The reassuring aroma of fish
5. Next best thing to Mark Sainsbury