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September 7, 2009 | by  | in News |
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In the week that wasn’t: Douchiness skyrockets upon purchase of skateboard

A study released last week by Victoria University’s School of Anthropology has lent strength to the often-suspected but never proven belief that a person’s level of douchiness increases upon a purchase of a skateboard.

The two-year study concluded that 90% of male respondents aged 18-29 exhibited unparalleled levels of dickishness six months into skateboard ownership.

The school subsidised the purchase of 500 skateboards to the tune of 50% on the prerequisite that owners would submit to random ‘Doucheiliser’ testing every six months.

The complicated Doucheiliser procedure involved subjects standing against a wall and reciting an innocuous episode from their daily existence. A team of randomly selected people would then assess whether the person’s presence and explanation made them a douchebag or not.

Study head Professor Marcus Richardson said the skateboards began having detrimental effects on participants from the get go.

“What we found was normal, everyday guys, with healthy social relationships and steady part-time employment, turned into meandering hoodie-wearing-tight-jean-satchel-toting dickbags barely capable of mumbling a sentence that didn’t have the word ‘skate’ in it,” Professor Richardson said.

Richardson cited a case study whose transformation from “human” to “skate douche” was particularly acute.

“He was a normal guy studying law. Had a cute girlfriend, wore tidy clothes, got his hair cut every six weeks or so. Never forgot birthdays—just a stand-up nice guy.

“About two weeks into owning a skateboard, he’d dropped out of university citing ‘skating’ as his official reason. He ended his relationship with a poorly written text citing an increased need to ‘skate’. His clothes were torn and cut through skating mishaps, he invited his friends to spend their birthdays watching him skate, and he glued his hair salon loyalty card to the deck of his skateboard for ‘extra grind skateness’. It was horrendous.”

The case study agreed to talk to Salient under the condition of anonymity, but that condition lapsed less than five minutes into the interview after the participant, Nick Henry, forgot where he was.

“Yeeeah… you should… just… tell people that Nick Henry… like… likes to skate and shit, eh. Yeeeeah,” he said.

“I went down…down to… down to this store… eh…and asked if they sold those… those awesome army guy shirts… those… those look so good to skate in, eh.”

The “army guy” shirt referred to was a fairly typical Che Guevara printed tee on sale for $20—a fact Henry would normally have been aware of, according to mother Sharon.

“I first became concerned when I invited Nicholas home for a weekend to welcome back his father who had been overseas for six months,” she said.

“He wouldn’t come inside. He just stood out there flicking his skateboard up and down, or flicking his hair out of his eyes. Back and forth he’d go for hours on end.

“When I asked if he’d like to come inside and have tea, he looked at me and said ‘Skaaaaaa….teee?’ How can a plank of wood with wheels ruin a person so much?”

Henry’s Doucheiliser examination was equally troubling. Upon leaning against the wall, he was asked by Professor Richardson to talk about something in his day that made him happy.

“Yeeah… I… yeeah…eh…I just…I’m happy… eh… when… when I busted this ollie and just… just landed this sweet…just love it when I… yeeeah… skating is pretty sweet. Pretty sweet.”

The response earned Henry a 100% douchiness rating, with one respondent suggesting that the ex-law student would benefit tremendously from remedial English lessons.

“More like… yeah… remedial… remedial skate…fuuuuck,” Henry replied.

It was unclear whether or not criminal charges will be laid against the School of Anthropology for ruining the lives of all those involved in the study.

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