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May 3, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Dear randy vadger,

I have a very high sex drive. My boyfriend likes to have sex about five times a week. personally, its not enough. I would rather ten times a week. I  wanna fuck (make love) till it hurts. I just bought it up with him (he’s gone down stairs to think) and he’s really upset.

What should I do? No way do I wanna sleep with other people. Do you think I’m a nymph? Should I go  to sex addict rehab like tiger and jesse? I’m at a loss, I love this guy to bits and don’t wanna lose him. Help?

Cheers,
Sexual guy

Dear Mr Sexual,
Because your email arrived with the subject line ‘Serious question, please answer seriously’, I will be super serious, like always.

You sure want a lot of sex. Some of us would say you’re lucky to be getting five times a week/year! It’s definitely something you need to talk about, but if your missus is getting upset, that won’t help. Make sure you discuss it in a non-confrontational way and listen to his views!

Otherwise, if you really, really can’t not have more sex… maybe you need to look at an open relationship, or even parting ways.

Short of going to sex addict rehab, you should talk to a counsellor (they’re free for students via the Counselling Service!). They’re really helpful and easy to talk to and can give you professional advice.

All the best,
Randy

Dear candybadger,

I lyk totes flew up 2 aks 2 c Justin bieber an i had a sine tht like said ‘JUSTIN MARRY ME. PLZ!!!!’

He like totes ignord me and now my heart is like totes brokn.

I have no use for it in a world when I cannot be Mrs Bieber.

I thnk u can probs help me maybs. W0t shd i d0?

xxxxxxx

<3 brokenbeiber
Dear brokenbeiber,
That sucks. Your life sounds terrible. You should probably run away from home, become a vagrant and grow a beard, then sell produce from a cave for a living.

But for serious, Justin Bieber is NOT a babe. He has big ol teefs and hair like Ellen Degeneres. And he weighs 47kgs. Anopants! When I was your age (what are you, like, 12?) I liked Justin Timberlake. I thought me and Justin would get married. In fact, I’m still hopeful.

The moral of this story is: never give up hope. One day he will be yours! You may have to stalk him/visit former Salient editor Jackson Wood’s basement (where it is rumoured Justin Bieber is being kept against his will)/write him love letters until he takes out a restraining order, but it’s all part of the bigger picture.

U 4 JB 4eva!!
Candy

Dear Bandy Cadger,

I think my husband is stealing all my drugs. What do I do? Do I steal the drugs back or something more… drastic?

With regards,

Anon.

Dear Anon,
I think you should kill him and cut him into pieces and make him into a stew. With some spuddies for extra fibre. And maybe some peeeeeaaaaaasssss.
<3 Candy

[Editor’s note: Maybe don’t cut him into pieces and make him into a stew. It’ll probably taste yuck.]

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at
candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

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