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May 31, 2010 | by  | in News |
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Hilarity news

Child assaulted with vomit

Yes, you read that right

A charming, charismatic sports fan in the US has pleaded guilty to assault (via vomit), as well as disorderly conduct and harassment.

The young man, who one can only assume is now a hometown legend in the city, forcibly vomited on an off-duty cop and the officer’s daughter during a baseball game in the friendly city of Philadelphia. Matthew Clemmens (or ‘Sir Vomitus’, as he’s known to his family and loved ones) decided on this course of action after his friend was ejected from the stadium—one can only assume it was for being ‘too reputable to be among the common man’.

Prior to the ejection, and being hit by vomit from someone old enough to vote, the officer’s 15-year-old daughter asked the two Sirs to cease using profanity and spiting on her 11-year-old sister.

Salient has been unable to attain his relationship status but if I was his dame I’d put a ring on it ASAP.

That’s Sen. Crapo to you

He’d have my vote

The man with the name you don’t want to touch has been re-elected to the Senate with an overwhelming majority.
Full name Michael Dean Crapo, or just Mike Crapo to his friends, the Republican has held the seat since 1999 and has a funny last name.

People in Fiordland need better hobbies

I suggest something not related to moose

A seriously bored Fiordland man believes he has proof of the first moose in the region since 1952.

The man (Ken Tuskin, Virgo, ‘it‘s complicated’) is citing an overexposed blurry photo as evidence of at least one moose living in the region.

Though the photo is far from conclusive, and the animal does look a shitload like a deer (which are common in the region), Tuskin believes that it is in fact a moose.

Mr Tuskin claims to have documented several other moose sightings and is compiling them into a history of the region/proof that living in Fiordland can be kind of dull.

According to Tom Fitzsimons of the Dominion Post, Tuskin has “estimated a population of 20 moose could be wandering around the area—though that was a ‘total guess’.”

According to me, Tom Fitzsimons is on course to win every journalism award known to man with this kind of stellar reporting, good to see the Dominion Post is keeping its standards nice and high—the sarcasm part of my brain is now hurting, damn you Fitzsimons!

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