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April 30, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart

Yo, Roxy. I kinda have an issue. I’m a male arts student with an amazing girlfriend. We get on awesomely, but the sex just isn’t that good. Now, she is my first, but she complains that I take forever to cum and nothing she does seems to work like it should. She’s much more experienced than I am, and is pretty confident in bed, but her blow jobs and hand jobs and stuff just don’t feel that great. I know that it’s not me because when I masturbate it feels great and I have no issues, but with her I just don’t feel that it’s working. How can I help her get me off without her getting mad at me?

Let’s see, your experienced girlfriend (and let’s not doubt a woman who is willing to admit she is experienced; goddam slut- shamers) tells you that her usual tricks aren’t working, and your first instinct is to blame her? Fo’ shame sir, fo’ shame. Roxy is going to have none of this, because when she puts her letter sleuthing-hat on, she can pretty clearly see what the problem is: you have broken your dick.

Okay, so Roxy may have been a little over-dramatic, but the combination of “first girlfriend”, “wanks a lot”, “not feeling it” points pretty clearly to a single culprit: masturbation death grip. You have literally rubbed the life out of it.

Now, let’s not be silly here. You haven’t actually destroyed your dick. It’s still there, and it still works. In fact, while it may be red and sore every now and then (and I bet it is, isn’t it?), all of the nerve endings and stuff are still there. What will have happened is that you will have conditioned your brain away from enjoying wide ranging stimulus from your dick. Think of it like Pavlov’s dogs, but with pre-cum instead of saliva. Instead of salivating for food (i.e. touching), your brain now only reacts erotically to the very narrow feelings caused by the exact method you use to wank.

The solution? Basically, you need to take your dick on holiday and rekindle your relationship. Treat it nice. Be romantic. Rather than beating it to within an inch of its life as quickly as possible, set aside some quality time, go slow and try to experiment with subtler feelings and sensations. Try different hand positions, finger positions, and orientations. Try using less pressure, for longer. Try varying the pace.

If you don’t already, Roxy also recommends you use lube. It will make the whole experience gentler, and give new avenues for experiencing the pleasure your body can offer. Also, it’s a good habit to get into, because lube makes all penetrative sex a whole lot safer and more pleasurable for both parties.

Roxy <3

Hi. Is it true that men can break their penises? I have a friend who says a friend of hers broke a dude’s penis, but I don’t believe her.

Men, please hold on tight, because this may be a bumpy ride. Yes, men’s penises can break during sex. It is not fun.

Perhaps the more common issue is tearing. Like any other fleshy part of the body, the penis and particularly the foreskin, can get caught on things (including in unfortunate cases, a vagina, if the sex is vigorous enough) and rip. Bleeding will ensue.

Less common is what is called a “penile fracture”: the membrane that contains the spongy tissue that fills with blood during an erection tears, leaking blood into the surrounding flesh and causing bruising and intense pain. If this happens (and you will notice) Roxy is told a trip to the doctor is needed: they will stitch everything back together under anaesthetic. If this isn’t done, “complications” can arise. Roxy is no doctor, but “complications” and “penis” don’t sound like something a man should chance.

Both of these sound frightening, but don’t worry: they’re pretty rare. Usually the problem will be careless thrusting into things that don’t yield (don’t drunkenly miss the vagina entirely), or attempts to do “novel” sex positions that go horribly wrong. Roxy’s advice is to use lots of lube, stop if anything hurts, and avoid putting the penis in load-bearing positions.
Roxy <3.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building. 

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Comments (3)

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  1. Dr Dre says:

    Hey Roxy,

    Generally love your work but i was just reading your column and it really irked me. I don’t think it is fair to blame a guy for honestly not enjoying what his girlfriend is doing down there. Everyone is different and enjoys different things being done at different speeds. I agree that slowing down and enjoying everything is a nice idea but how about also having a chat about it, and if she is keen give her a few tips about what you really enjoy. When she’s touching your dick you could guide her hand in a way you find more delightful.

    I’m pretty sure I’m right on this. Girls don’t have dicks and so sometimes can’t quite understand the mechanics and how we get pleasure in the same way we can (cause we have had an intimate friendship with our dicks for years.) The same thing goes for girls, guys need to learn how to make their partner feel awesome. It’s not a skill most people are born with.

    (BTW sorry for only referring to hetero sex in this but it’s the only type I have experience in.xo)

    • Yuric says:

      This is really an individual situation sort of thing. Both Roxy and your advise should be taken seriously. Having flogged the bishop too many time to mention it can work exactly like Roxy says – and lets face facts lads, if you can keep you hands off it for a week, when you return it will be a hell of a lot better (and messier).

      They say don’t go on that first date with a loaded gun, but if you’re trying to build something with someone, you can’t be using an empty bottle of man glue at arts & crafts time.

      So my advise would be, yes talk to her about what you like and how you like it, and for a couple of weeks let her be the only one to handle the one eyed general. Trust me buddy when she finally gets a batch of baby batter out of you, it will blow your mind (as long as you’re not letting Mrs Palm and her five daughters at it when you’re alone)


  2. Geordie Mclachlan says:


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