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October 15, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Mulled Whine With H.G. Beattie

How To Pull: AN Enquiry Into Getting Maggot and Leaning In

To quote Rafiki: “it is time.” I can wait no longer to impart unto you my wisdom as regards the Dark Art of pulling. As with any magnum opus, the scene must be set: me, alone outside a café, on a Sunday morning. A woman brings her partner out a muffin and kisses the back of his neck. I think to myself, “They’re probably both divorcés, and she’s not kissing his neck, she’s just whispering ‘I got you bran, babe, because the prune juice didn’t work.’” Upon closer inspection, neither of them is wearing a ring. Thank you and goodnight.

Let’s not beat around the bush. (Not a substantive point—although for God’s sake get a wax, don’t you know it’s a prerequisite?) Your pulling campaign begins with a stellar first impression. I once misheard a new acquaintance while talking about gay adoption, telling him “gay abortion is a pretty disgusting use of science, bro.” Not so much profound as profoundly deaf. At that delicate age, I had not realised that first impressions were child’s play: all one needed was full- beam bedroom eyes, light to moderate arm touching and a working knowledge of what the Guardian online led with that day.

If you are a bit of a social flailer (read: unable to advocate the rights of Syrian minorities) I suppose you might be allowed to fall back upon second impressions. I met this guy once—total babe—and upon our second encounter executed absolutely devastating game, none of which he responded to because he was high as a kite and physically unable to speak. To bystanders it must have looked a lot like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

A note of realism, because I don’t want your “happiness” to be founded on an unrealistic model, as has happened to so many Reserve Bank governors. More applicable to women as this admittedly is, please do me a solid and accept that you are not glammed up because the opposite sex notices or will care. You are glammed up to try to outrank the competition, by whom you feel threatened. I even have white shimmer on the insides of my eyes to make them look wider. Because I care.

Next: your target. Maybe you have a ‘type’. Mine would have to be the uninterested. Think how Captain Von Trapp treats Maria at the beginning. Baby baby, is that a dog whistle in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? All-too-real fantasies aside, equally unsuitable categories include but are not limited to (and invoke commentary of): hot but vapid (tiresome), smart but arrogant (regrettable), damaged (most people, but there is a special reverence reserved for those who make a trait of it), the person that you feel is the male/female version of yourself (aim higher, you can do better than you), those people that are dating or have dated your friends (nuuuurrhh) , rich kids on Instagram ( – do it), young Labourites (who blanch at my dad’s job but quite enjoy a hoon at pétanque), people whose orientation means that they will not be attracted to you, and about whom you realise as much midway into a conversation about surrogacy. I have clearly digressed here, but that was fun.

Lastly, the cleavage between giving a man a fish and teaching a man to fish is a literal one. Boys are not and have never been ready for the bold truth of my opening line—that my flat chest means I have to exercise a quick wit to stay on the playing field. It requires mental agility, which often precludes me from getting blotto enough to lean in without a sufficiently enticing line. The sufficiently enticing line is key. Banter’s also made up almost entirely of bullshit—stay away from the truth. I have spent the last few years laughing loudly about my lack of sexual prowess out of crippling insecurity and—get this—everyone thinks it’s reverse psychology! Is that or is that not A+ trolling? Also, try not to hypothetically subtly hint at your loneliness over twenty-five hypothetical columns because it means that lots of people hypothetically think you’re a tease when you aren’t desperately grateful for their hypothetical interest.

I think my work here is done.

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