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trade offs
October 8, 2012 | by  | in Features |
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Trade-Offs

A list of things for which I would sacrifice various parts of my own body.

 

“I’d give my left nut for a drink right now,”I thought to myself as I sat down to write an opinion for this issue.After lambasting myself for both the cliche and hyperbole, I began to consider whether I really would exchange part of my genitalia for a drink.

No, I wouldn’t—not yet, anyway. I have an inkling I want to retain reproductive functions.† Sacrosanct as my bits may be—to me at most—I have concluded (like James Franco with a pocket knife) that my less essential portions are negotiable.

Aside from the obvious complication that I’m unlikely to receive any offers because (a) no one has the power to fulfil their side of the bargain (bar the elusive Jesus, who is yet to come to the party), and (b) my various severed appendages would be of little value except perhaps as novelty collectibles, I am open for business.††

For which I would lose a finger (right hand index):

  •  – A better jawline—not vain, just practical.
  •  – Grace. Not the girl, the quality—though truth be told, I’m yet to meet a Grace not worth at least a mild disfigurement.

For which I would lose an arm:

 – The capacity for love.
– A Twitter username that is my real name—a spambot is currently impersonating me, and doing a better job.
– My flatmates, even though they’re dicks.

  • For which I would lose an arm and a leg:
  1.  – The capacity for ‘true love’.
  2.  – To avoid brain damage, were this posed as one of those crippling ‘would you rather’ questions that seem to facilitate new and unimaginable heights of obscenity in those who formulate them.
  3.  – Forgiveness—I’ve been bad. Quite a few times.
  4. For which I would lose my hearing:
 – The DVD box-set of Shortland Street 2004- 2006.
 – Subtitles in real life—ideally with emoticons.
For which I would lose a buttock (just one):
  •  – Confidence—though it might be counterproductive given the ensuing permanent jaunty angle.
  •  – For Obama to have been his old sassy self in the first presidential candidates debate.
  • For which I would lose my hair: –  …For which I would lose my soul:†††
  •  – A party where Satan was in attendance.
    – A law degree.††††
    – Courage.

For which I would lose my head:

 – To save the lives of a significant number of strangers, though my bodiless head would spend its final seconds resenting the brutal utilitarian calculus that required as much.
– Reincarnation as a blue whale.
– An opinion. ▲

† The first sign of madness.
†† I am willing to provide Buy Now options for some—email me.
††† Presuming (a) souls are a thing, and (b) I still have mine.
†††† Whoops.

Asher Emanuel is a third-year LLB/BA student. Asher is coeditor of Salient with Ollie Neas.    

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