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April 29, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Secret Diary of Colin Craig

Dear Diary,

It’s difficult to take things on the chin when you don’t have one. The Marriage Equality bill passed its third reading, thanks to Maurice’s speech about gay rainbows. Idiot. Doesn’t he know rainbows don’t have a sexual orientation? They are acts of God. I’m extremely concerned MPs aren’t accurately representing public opinion. Considering I’m such an expert on public opinion and always have statistics on hand, it’s a little strange no one voted for me.

Thank God it’s only you and me here, Diary. No one can misconstrue what I say. Ben Uffindell defamed me in The Civilian. He made me sound ridiculous. I tried to ‘lawyer’ The Civilian, but the media caught wind of it. Golly gosh. My name was everywhere, and rumours were spiraling out of control. I had to pull out of my legal proceedings against The Civilian. But I’m used to that, not believing in contraception. I hope it wasn’t too late. The media can be so cruel sometimes.

Note to self: must suggest to Gareth Hughes that he try my personal media adviser, silently with eyes closed before bedtime. He’s great at telling me what to say. Or maybe I could get #heyGod trending on Twitter by making a wee shout-out during my next interview.

I can hear someone sniggering outside my window. Great, it must be a friend—people who know me think I’m a pretty funny guy! It’s not that I don’t understand satire; I do, I’m just a bit worried that if people thought I actually said those things, they might also think the Marriage Equality bill had something to do with rainbows. I don’t want to be satirically portrayed as ridiculous. I want people to know, as a matter of fact, that I am actually ridiculous. Chapman Tripp have gone some ways to assisting me in this with their substandard letter, and for that I thank them. If I am to be exposed to public ridicule, it ought to result from my own idiocy.

At least here, Diary, I can convey my true thoughts, without fear of derision. It’s just not intelligent to pretend that homosexual relationships are normal. In a normal world, two men can’t create a child. Gay adoption doesn’t make sense! New Zealand is home to the most promiscuous women in the world. Now that they can marry each other, we stand to lose one of our most valuable tourist attractions. If all the promiscuous women are married, there will be no illegitimate children for the gay men to adopt! So their marriage is pointless. This whole amendment is filthy and reeks of … of … of filth! My mind isn’t thinking straight.

Right. Better go and tell John to file a complaint against myself, because I’ve probably said something here that I haven’t actually said.

Sincerely,
Colin :) (Isn’t that smiley face a hoot?!

P.S. Who is Colin Crag?

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