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May 6, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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A Day in the Life of: Carbon-Neutral Student

I wake up to the sun streaming in through the gap in my teepee. My flatmate tries to persuade me to come inside the house to watch almond-juicing videos on the internet. I opt to water and hang out with my tree for ten minutes instead. I lift up my arms and feel my hairs rustle in the breeze. Today is a good day. Tomorrow I shall bead them with the tiny earth stones my aura advisor/guru gave to me after realigning my chakra yesterday.

I feel a sense of superiority as a clone walks past me holding a Cookie Time. I remember the chia seeds I purchased yesterday. I grab a handful out of my pocket and shove them in my mouth. Mmm salty. Or maybe that’s my hands. Maybe later I will make some chia milk. I head toward the Hunter Lounge with my grandfather’s compass. Time to spread the word of mother earth! I walk past a man I once saw biting into the carcass of a chicken. I etch “eat, pray, love” into five chairs before the waitress sees me. She just doesn’t feel the vibe. Bitch.

Everyone in this lecture theatre is using laptops. Philistines. One day soon the sea will rise and flood them all. Then they’ll cry about it and their tears will raise the sea level more and Samoa will be but a distant memory. I’m so irate I can’t even concentrate on this lecture, but it’s okay, I’ll just use this time to draft witty comebacks for our next GenZero meeting.

I grab a Salient and head to the bathroom. No need to flush.

The library is a graveyard. I can only take three steps through the door before I feel myself welling up in grief at this slaughter. So many dead trees! And passed so carelessly from hand to hand.

My assignment is due at 5. I refuse to waste the world’s precious resources on paper or electricity so I stand at the Environmental Sciences reception, reciting my essay to the receptionist. She tries to copy it down on a computer but I jump over the desk to stop her. Oral communication is the only ethical communication! On my way out the door I see a guy with an iPhone. I spit in his face. Doesn’t he know how many conflict metals that thing contains?!

Home for dinner. My oats have finally soaked up my organic apple juice! With a cup of second-dunk tea it makes for a scrummy meal.

Re-watching An Inconvenient Truth while cycling to power the TV. I feel virtuous. And sweaty. Al Gore always does this to me; he’s almost as sexy as Nándor Tánczos. I lie down on my hemp rug to release some atmospheric pressure. Afterwards, I’m as dirty as a seabird in the Gulf of Mexico so I leave the house, looking for a river to bathe in.

Can’t find my favourite river in the dark— my juju is off tonight—so I bathe in the bucket fountain. A group of girls walk past, drunk off commercial alcohol. Do they have any conception of how much water they’ve wasted?! My homemade wine tastes much better anyway.

My teepee calls. Mother Nature, I’m coming home! (To the extent that ‘home’ can be constrained to a particular geographic location and isn’t just the murmuring of the wind in the trees as I fall asleep).

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