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July 29, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fixing Your Life (Because Ours Are Written Off)

We’ve recently discovered the internet, and in the spirit of such things have decided to open an page, where you can pose us all the questions you like about the trials and tribulations of your university lives.

You can find us at

Accordingly, here’s some trivial questions that Salient readers have posted and we have answered. Maybe somebody will have a serious issue, someday, somehow.

Hector and Janet


Hi Hector and Janet—how do I go about winning the Rhodes Scholarship? Plz advise.

Become involved in a community-based group out of insincere personal interest, have an A+ for everything academic you’ve ever laid a finger on, but mostly just be a warm, attractive character who nails the interview. Or, suck a lot of dick (in the metaphorical sense).
-Hector & Janet

What advice would you give to a budding advice columnist?

Become friends with the editor of a small publication, convince them that you are, in fact, good at managing drama and being diplomatic, and then shoehorn yourself into a position of authority. Be too annoying to be a regular columnist. Have no ego and use a pseudonym. Stay away from controversial issues. Don’t be a jerk. Crucially, begin every column with ‘Look,’.

Email, subject “Replace Janet with me” and be in to write this one for the rest of the year! I’ll put in a good word for you.

bridget jones v love actually?

This isn’t advice, but the answer is Love Actually. Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman and Colin Firth are gr- oh who am I kidding, all we care about is Emma Thompson.


Given a choice between fighting a single horse-sized duck and a hundred duck-sized horses, which would you recommend one takes? – A knight eager to prove his valor

A hundred duck-sized horses. Why? Well, aside from the terrifying penis encounter that the other option would entail, horses without the advantage of size and muscle really don’t have a lot of weaponry.

A singled horse-sized duck, because when you can’t think of something to believe in, you should look at what other people believe in and if it’s not particularly important you should feel free to take the opposite view.

how to write vem then to write better? FINALLY every each can else every other a good time

That isn’t a question. I don’t think it’s even a sentence.

You really should have “Replied All” to that civil defence email trail if you had something this important to say.

I need a wife. please help. I’m mildly offensive looking if that helps?

If you need a wife, stop thinking about the end result and start thinking about the process. Protip: lasting relationships don’t begin at 2am in Edison’s. You knew that, though.

Also, learn to love yourself, I guess. I didn’t know that ‘offensive’ was a way that one could look.

No you bloody don’t need a wife. Work on yourself. I’m sick of this shit. I’ve been working on myself for years and years and only when I’m certifiably BLOODY GREAT can I start bitching about being alone.

I just ate a really good portobello mushroom and am worried no man or woman will ever make me as happy. Will they?

Of course they will. I mean, not in the same way, obviously. Hunger and love are different things, which is a lesson we’ve all had to learn in the darkest moments of our lives. So quit feeling sorry for yourself, buck up and toss yourself into the portobello mushroom of life. There’s plenty of time to eat decadently when you’re coupled up and marching on toward oblivion.

No, no they will not.

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