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July 22, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Secret Diary of… Kate Middleton and the Royal Foetus

Baby: Prepare the tea and scones, Mama, I’m on my way! Tell the souvenir shops to prepare the collector’s plates, teaspoons, flags, and teacups with my face and date of birth emblazoned across them. Make them as heinous as possible, because people will buy them anyway and won’t that be fun?!

Kate: One should not make fun of a royal birth. It is a most serious matter.

Baby: But the commoners made fun of the birth of their royal, North West. Hard not to, I suppose. Oh, mother. You know I jest. Uncle Harry taught me. He and I were thinking, perhaps I should start with a tactical vom on Granny Cam Cam’s hat when we’re out in public. Now that would be a most ideal photo for a collector’s plate. There could be a whole series! ‘Royal Baby Voms in Public’.

Kate: Remember what I told you about Uncle Harry. We still aren’t sure he’s truly related. His good looks make me most suspicious that Diana adopted him while out doing charity work. Actually, speaking of photos, you’ll have to wear that hat Fergie and the girls sent.

Baby: Is that what it is?

Kate: Do you know, over a third of Britons feel more pride for their nation now, with you on your way, than they did a decade ago? As much pride as they have in their chickens’ droppings, apparently. Vast improvement. But don’t be getting a big head – that won’t be much fun to push out.

Baby: I thought that was because of Pippa on your wedding day – she put an end to the belief that British people were unattractive, and morale soared. It took a lot of work after Granny Cam Cam made people think we mate with horses.

Kate: Dear, you must be decorous upon your arrival. When addressing Great-Granny, remember: Ma’am as in farm, not Ma’am as in ham. She is not a sandwich filling. Oh! And Prince Philip will probably mis-gender you. Do not be offended. We should also probably have a quiet word about your father. There’s no other way to say this, but you will find him extremely boring. I can’t even begin to explain how boring. But he is nice enough. And you will probably be the King or Queen of England one day because of him, and he made Mummy very famous. So do be kind.

Baby: Oh, Mammy, I have every intention of being kind. I think I’ll channel Granny Di, and fundraise for paupers when I’m older, oh! I mean the disadvantaged. I’ve much to learn.

Kate: Just don’t go washing beggars’ feet. Not wanting to rush you, but when do you think you’ll be gracing us with your presence?

Baby: Well. It’s been awfully difficult deciding when to have my birthday. I’ll have to have the same day for the rest of my life. And then there’s public holidays… I must consider when the people want to go on holiday. I was all ready to go about a week ago, and then I thought, wait! A third-in-line to the throne would be much more successful as a Leo than a Cancer. So I’m staying put until the 23rd, at least. I’ll be a ball of dynamic energy. Leos have a great sense of timing.

Kate: That’s a bit ironic, seeing as you’re already late.

Baby: But I want to be born a leader, not an emotional wreck, like a Cancer. I want to run through the castle, roaring like a lion, pouncing on the knitted kangaroo that distracted Julia Gillard from the political vultures circling above her.

Kate: I suppose that’s what you get for sending convicts to another country. I thought when I asked the colonies to refrain from sending gifts and instead donate money to charities, they’d not send us a thing. But apparently they’re ‘ingenious’ down there in the southern hemisphere. Knitting! And condoms from Finland! Who knows what John Key will send? A ‘surprise’, he says. Lord, help us.

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