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August 19, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fixing Your Life (Because Ours Are Written Off)

There’s a babe sitting at the computer next to me. How do I go from awkward no-conversation to awkward banging in as short a time as possible?

Look, your best bet is to just start a human conversation. It’s not that difficult, if you can get over your crippling fear of rejection. That’s a pretty big ‘if’, though. My top tip would be: first, study their face and screen to ascertain how hard they’re actually working. Then, slide your wheelie-chair over and open with something all students have in common, like, “Can you get Wi-Fi printing to work?” Failing that, you can always crack a winning smile and tell them how beautiful they are, if you aren’t afraid of being that weird guy/girl whom nobody ever sits next to.


Smile at them a few times. Go over to them. Say, “Want to get a coffee?” Tell them over coffee either about, how someone in your class last week thought that John Key meant that we all cared more about Snapper cards than the GCSB, or how Kings of Leon’s later stuff was shit. Get your own fucking banter, I’m not giving away mine.


I’ve finally jumped on board the snapchat bandwagon.. Is there any etiquette I need to be aware of??

Assume that everything you send will be screenshotted. If you take a photo of a friend without telling them, CC them in on whoever you send it to. Oh, fuck it, there are no rules. Side note: You can find a lot out about who your contacts are sleeping with by examining their ‘best friends’.


Never take a snapchat of yourself in a cow onesie with your tits out.


I’ve been texting this absolute stunner but they used the wrong kind of ‘their’ in our conversation. How am I supposed to go on?

Get out while you still can. No, in all seriousness, if you’re the kind of person who is dissuaded by that, then it will be hard to get over. Maybe take a long hard look at yourself and think about whether it’s fair to either of you to carry on the charade. On the other hand, maybe autocorrect is to blame. Either way, maybe get over yourself?


Grammar is important to me, so if someone did this on a regular basis, it might piss me off. However, I’m getting to an age and stage where I can no longer filter people by their grammatical prowess (or indeed, by whether or not they are literate). So I don’t know. Maybe you should get over yourself.


I’m a staunch Greens supporter and always have been, but John Key’s unflappable media training on Campbell Live has set my heart a-flutter. How do I reconcile these two opposing feelings?

Are you one of those people whose support for a political party is based on the quirks and qualities of its personnel, rather than the strengths of its policies? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe go read the political pages or something, I don’t know. Go have sex with someone wearing an ‘I’m a Key Person’ T-shirt. Might get it out of your system.


Mmm, yes, that was pretty impressive, wasn’t it. That reminds me—do you know where I can get a limited-edition ‘Goff-father’ T-shirt?


If I come up to you in a bar and ask you to put me in your next column, will you do it?



Yes, Steven Joyce, of course I will—thanks for the G&T.


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