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April 13, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Sex Toys

I had my first encounter with a sex toy when I was 20. It had been some six months since I’d last had sex and, being in a particularly pessimistic mood, I’d managed to convince myself I’d never be having it again.

Drunk, sad, and smoking an emergency cigarette, I headed to I might be destined for a loveless life, but goddamnit, it wouldn’t be a pleasureless one. Emptying my bank account, I purchased my very first dildo.

Two days later, a conspicuously unmarked box arrived on my doorstep. And there it was. Veiny, girthy, and more tumescent than I knew an inanimate object could be, the dildo was – despite its bright pink colour – very intimidating. This encounter, rather than serving to ease my sexual frustration, merely served to reinforce just how long it had been since I’d seen a real one.

Three years on, and I’ve of course changed my tune about sex toys. If you’re single, sex toys can help you get off without giving yourself RSI; if you’re coupled, they can add much-needed zest to your sexy time.

But, dear readers, I get it. Sex toys can be confusing. Heading into a sex shop, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the sheer variety of toys, and the tastes they cater to. You may wonder, “Where the fuck do I put that?”, and if you’ve never seen a 13-inch, double-ended, girthy black dong before, it can be a confronting experience.

So, just in time for the Sex Issue, I’ve compiled Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Sex Toys: an introduction to help you find what you’re looking for, and avoid the veiny, girthy, bright pink mistakes of my past (unless that’s what you’re into).

The archetype of sex toys, dildos come in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours and materials to suit every taste – with everything from realist dildos (moulds of a genuine dick and balls, complete with bell-end and veins), to more abstract dongs (coloured glass shafts that could double as arty sculptures).

While technically any phallic object covered in a condom will suffice, purpose-built dildos have the added benefits of being made from easy-to-clean, hypoallergenic materials, feature pleasure-enhancing textures, and it means you get to eat your cucumbers, rather than fuck them.

Variations on the theme ensure that there’s a dildo for every situation, whether it be double-ended (so both partners can be penetrated at once), strap-on (one partner takes charge), or suction cup (attach to furniture or walls for hands-free solo sexy time).

Price: $15 (for a textured glass dildo) to $150 (for a strap-on set)

Generally, I’m not a fan of free-market economics, but when it comes to vibrators, I’m quite content to let the invisible hand do the work for me.

There is almost overwhelming variety in the vibrator market, so the best way to narrow down your choices is working out what itch you want to scratch. There are vibrators specifically designed just for your clit (generally smaller, more discrete), for your G-spot (like a dildo but it moves), or hybrids that do both at once (known as rabbit vibrators, made famous by Sex and the City’s Charlotte).

Adaptations to the classic vibrator ensure that they can be fun for those without a clit too. Couples’ vibrators are shaped to fit inside the vagina and stimulate both clit and G-spot during sex, while still leaving room for penetration. Wa-hey!

Price: $7 (for a keyring vibrator: perfect for Ohs on the go) to $1779 (a 24-carat gold vibrator for balla clits).

Butt plugs
If you’re interested in anal, a butt plug can be a great way to start, as they’re considerably less intimidating than a dildo, or a real live dick. Butt plugs are generally tapered in shape, shorter than most dildos, and are larger at one end so they can’t go disappearing inside you. Plugs can also be worn during sex if you want to stimulate everything ALL AT ONCE.

As with any type of anal play, using lube is absolutely essential with a butt plug, as your butt won’t naturally produce it in the way a vagina does. Any sex store can hook you up with a range of scents and flavours, as well as lubes specifically designed for bums.

Price: $9 (for an innocuous wee pink plug with a suction base) to $80 (plug that adorns you with a curly pig’s tail while pleasuring you).

If you’re bored of your hand’s company, and sick of ruining all of your apple pies, a sleeve may be just the ticket. Perhaps the most famous of these is the Fleshlight: a toy that appears from the outside to be an innocent torch, but inside features a tight, cushy hole for your dick.

Despite the notoriety of the Fleshlight, there’s a HUGE range of sleeves out there, allowing you to choose everything from type of orifice (mouth, butt, vagina) to the personality of the sleeve (MILF or Asian pussy). All sleeves are made to be easy to clean, and some even vibrate as well!

Price: $20 (for a palm-sized pussy) to $116 (for a robotic mouth that can simulate sucking).

Cock rings
Not to be confused with Prince Albert piercings, cock rings work by applying pressure to the base of the penis, ensuring a stronger, longer erection. They come in a variety of colours and materials, and some are even pimped out with wee vibrators which do a little somethin’-somethin’ for both your dick as well as your partner’s butt, balls or clit while you bang.

Price: $8 (for a disposable, vibrating ring) to $180 (for a rechargeable, six-speed vibrating ring).


All prices featured are from While online shopping is certainly more discreet, the staff at Wellington’s Peaches & Cream and D.VICE are both enthusiastic and knowledgeable, and will even open packets for you to get a closer look at the toys, with one proviso: “Keep your hands where I can see them – nothing goes below the waist!”


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