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Weird Internet Shit Vol III: I’m too old for this shit edition

Have you ever, d̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶e̶p̶i̶c̶ ̶32-t̶a̶b̶ ̶p̶o̶r̶n̶ ̶b̶i̶n̶g̶e̶, after giving the matter a great deal of academic thought, wondered what makes other people’s erogenous zones tick? Ever wondered whether you’re alone in your predilection when you half-guiltily type ‘naked lesbian smear choc-mocha cake on each others armpits’ in that Incognito tab? Wonder no more: the brains/genitals behind the ‘Pornhub’ empire have embarked on their most addictive project yet with the arrival of PornMD’s ‘Live Search’.

The Live Search compiles requests fed into the porn-engines owned by Pornhub like ‘Redtube’ and ‘YouPorn’, which this correspondent swears no previous knowledge of, and relays them back to you in real time in an endlessly scrolling list. There are three categories to choose from – straight, gay and the dreadfully named ‘shemale’ – and the sordid porn browsers of the world do the rest. As you read this, someone somewhere in the world is likely gettin’ their sweet, juicy release in the form of a video entitled ‘redhead milf fucked by nineteen [!] cocks’.

While many of the searches are pedestrian (‘hot teen fucked’, ‘pussy licked then fucked’, ‘jenna jameson anal’, ‘cute twink fucks himself with dildo’ et al.), the hilarity – and fascination – of the website stems from the more perverse requests. It would seem there are a lot of unresolved Oedipus complexes out there. While I haven’t seen ‘procreation with his mother and emasculating his father simultaneously xxx hot fuck’ typed in yet, ‘mom fucks son’ and ‘dad fucks daughter’ are alarmingly common. I mean, no judgment, but ICK.

My two favourite searches? The runner-up award goes to a very deserving ‘masturbating facing mecca’, but the gold goes to ‘Sexy aunt orange in asshole’. That raises two questions – does the person who typed it have a very specific sexual bugaboo, or were they trying to find a previously seen video that they found themselves very aroused by? Regardless of the answer, the website exists as a testament to the breadth of humanity’s sexual quirks, imagination, creativity and general grossness. Utterly enthralling, and weirdly wonderful.


This week I have neglected my studies, alienated my friends and forgot completely about my chores. I even incurred the Salient editors’ wrath by handing in this column late, resulting in them barking amusingly like bull-seals. And you know why? (Why man?) No, not because I got high – at least not on weed. I have devoted the last week to a stupid, asinine and addictive video game that doubles as pixellated, Tetris-y crack cocaine. 2048 is its name and getting you hooked is its game, and it achieves it with cunning simplicity and appalling ease. Bow down before it, [gendered slurs]. I’m sorry in advance.


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