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May 11, 2014 | by  | in Arts Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

If you have been in a relationship, are in a relationship, or are planning to be in a relationship, it is pretty much a given that you will at some point experience a breakup. Just like acne and farting audibly in public, broken hearts are an unpleasant but almost certain reality of life. And while everyone aspires for the elusive beast that is the mutual breakup, most of the time it just doesn’t work out that way. Someone will always end up getting hurt, and even if you’re the one doing the heart-breaking you’ll probably still feel pretty crummy.

Over the years I have experienced a fair share of broken hearts. I have been both dumper and dumpee. I have had good breakups and bad breakups. I have acted laudably but also laughably. And so, on the back of tragically mascara-stained cheeks, drunk texts later regretted, and Feist’s ‘Let It Die’ played on repeat far too many times, I present you with Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Breakups.


Be kind: Don’t be a dick. Regardless of your reasons for ending it, getting dumped is never pleasant, and you can do your bit to ease the heartache by at least being nice about it. This extends to where and when you do it, too – in a very public, crowded location; via text, or on their birthday: stink buzz.

Be honest: While it’s important to make sure you let them down as gently as possible, being honest about why you’re breaking up with someone is really important too. If they beg you, “But WHY?!”, then you owe it to them to be honest. Believe me – as painful as it sounds – that it will help their grieving process a shit-tonne if you clarify that when you say, “I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now”, you mean: “I just don’t want to be in a relationship with you, ever.”

Do it in person: If you’ve enjoyed the fruits of your relationship in person, then have the decency to end it in person too. Sure, it’s awkward and unpleasant, but hey – at least you’re not the one getting dumped! Breaking up with someone face-to-face shows them that despite what’s happening you still respect and care for them; what you say is a lot less likely to be misconstrued, and they’ll have a lot less reason to tell all their friends that you’re a dick.

Give them space: It is important to remember that if you’ve just broken up with someone, they’re gonna need their space. This can be especially hard when you’ve been together for a long time or were essentially joined at the hip, but continuing to act around them or contact them as often as you did when they were together will really confuse your ex, and make it even harder for them to move on. That being said, cutting off all contact and acting as if they don’t exist, or parading your new sexploits in front of them isn’t cool either. If you’d like to remain friends, let your level of interaction be guided by what they feel comfortable with – as the dumpee, that’s their prerogative.


Give yourself space: One of the hardest parts of breaking up is getting used to being an ‘I’ rather than an ‘Us’. While it can be tempting to tell anyone who’ll listen that you’re totally cool with it and are planning to transition straight into being “just friends”, you need to give yourself space in order to adjust to the change of pace – whether that means deleting their number from your phone for a couple of weeks, or hiding them on Facebook.

Treat Yo’self: Getting your heart broken is like being sick – you get to stay in bed all day, eat lots of chocolate, and leave used tissues all over the goddamn house. Call up your friends, watch your favourite sitcoms, and cry at will. Yes, it feels like shit, but it will get better, and it will get better a whole lot faster if you focus on you – and only you – for the next wee while.

Love, and a huge tub of ice cream,
Cupie xx

Tip of the Week:

Whether it’s about getting dumped or any other relationship slump, if you’re feeling like a chump and just can’t get over that hump, Victoria’s Counselling Service might be just the ticket. Sometimes venting to an objective (not to mention professional) listener can be really helpful – as in, someone who isn’t just telling you what they think you want to hear. If a tub of ice cream ain’t enough to soothe your heartache, give the Counselling Service a call on 463 5310, or make an appointment in person at Mauri Ora.

Quickie of the Week:

Hey Cupie so say I’m lookin to lose my v card to a random stranger, but don’t rly like initial small talk… What would your advice be?? (Ps I’m a girl keen on boys)

Gurl, I hear what you’re saying. Growing up, I was awkward as hell and talking to strangers filled me with fear. Even now, having forced myself out of my anxious shell, I generally find that small talk is still at worst, painful, and at best, dull.

The important thing to remember when you’re looking to pick up, though, is that what you actually say isn’t really that important. People, in my experience, spend far too long beating around the small-talk bush. It’s generally fairly obvious when someone is angling towards banging, and if you want the same thing, making it happen can be as simple as saying: “I’mma jump your bones.”

Although getting with a random stranger can be nerve-wracking, my best advice is to try to relax, have fun and remember: if it all turns to shit you never have to see this person again. For further tips on How to Have a One Night Stand, I suggest you check out my comprehensive guide.

Sexual Connections:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously at

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.


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