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May 8, 2016 | by  | in SINGLE SAD POSTGRAD |
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I Love Brunch!!!

Like all the women I know, I model my life to completely match Sex and the City, so of course the highlight of my week is Saturday brunch! Even though brunch can be hard when all your girlfriends are screeching about their boyfriends and you are like, ugly-laughing through your single lonely woman tears, at the end of the day it’s all about the f word—friendship! But even though so many of us enjoy brunch, not many take the time to learn about it. So here is Brunch 101! Which is something I had time to write because I am never out on dates! Lol!

Right, so brunch: any chemical substance that decolourises, disinfects, and is every girl’s fave. While relatively new to mainstream culture, brunch has in fact been around for millennia. That’s right, millennia! Almost as old as the guy Ashleigh slept with last week! Hahaha! Anyway, the earliest form of brunch involved spreading out cloth on the ground, letting sun and water naturally whiten the fabric. Retro! This works because of the high energy photons of sunlight breaking doubled-bonded chromophores in the fabric into single bonds! Cute! Bee-Tee-Dubs: a chromophore is the part of a molecule that’s in charge of its colour, duh!

What we call brunch today was the work of several scientists in the 18th century after the discovery of chlorine. Shout out to Swedish chemist Carl Wilhelm Scheele, i.e. King of Chlorine, i.e. Brunch Daddy! You rock (totally Google him, so cute, would defs bang. And not just because I haven’t banged in like, ages)! After Carlsy, chlorine-free brunches were created, using brunching agents like hydrogen peroxide and sodium percarbonate. If you’re feeling bummed out for C Dawg, don’t worry, chlorine-based brunches are still the most common today! Take that you peroxide-based losers! One thing that Studmuffin-Chlorine-Man and the Peroxide Uggos can agree on though, is oxidation! And also how terrible Nicole’s new haircut is! Both chlorine and peroxides oxidise to chemically break the chromophore’s bonds. Cuu-uute (unlike Nicole)! Now, brunch is found in almost every household thanks to these old dead guys! Loves it!

Like Mandy’s sexscapades, brunch isn’t just restricted to inside the household! Sodium hypochlorite, the most common brunching agent (shout out AGAIN to Carly-copter, seriously, if there are any cute great-great-great-grandsons of his reading this, please hit me up!! Please!!!), is also used in swimming pools to prevent infectious agents. What it can’t prevent however, is drowning…in the eyes of that really hot lifeguard!!! Am I right or am I right???

So that’s Brunch 101—a quick intro to the ultimate ritual of female friendship. Without brunch, where would we be? Probably all infected in a pool, wearing stained clothes, pretending to drown to get the attention of that sex-on-legs lifeguard! Well, I would probs still do the last bit even with brunch. But whateverrr chicks before lifeguard dicks! Love you girls!!! Next week, all about periods, i.e. the little circle thing at the end of this sentence! Oops, that was an exclamation mark! LOL!

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