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May 29, 2017 | by  | in Food |
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Burger Liquor

Burger Liquor is a favourite for many Wellington students. The prices are not too crazy, but crazy enough to keep your Double Brown-drinking, cuffed plain black beanie-wearing, Warehouse shoe-rocking neighbours away. You can easily go there with your mates, have a burger, share some fries, and have a beer for around $25 each. The outside of the building looks really basic, and you will actually miss it if you don’t actively look up for the neon sign. The decor is like a regular burger joint, with an “exotic” bar and a dark red mood light encompassing the diner. Early hip-hop and beats from the ’90s is the music of choice for this establishment, and it could not fit better with the decor. Thomas and I, now Level 2 food critics after our review of Shed 5, were ready to spend our saved money at this burger palace.

The Bernie Mac stands as a rival to Burger Fuel’s BBQ Roadster. While the Roadster is a take on Burger King’s Rodeo Burger, the Bernie Mac challenges McDonald’s only good burger — the Big Mac. Beating the Big Mac in all categories, this juicy monstrosity, which stained my elbows and ran me the risk of embarrassment in front of the waitress that didn’t even like me, was a very solid burger. While it was very tasty, it wasn’t god-like, and it didn’t make me want to vomit onto my Reeboks, so it leaves me in a very awkward position as a food critic who doesn’t know how to critique food, only knowing how to make sub-par jokes in a magazine no one reads. I could pretend that it made every hair on my body stand up, shot my nipples through my shirt, and would push me to sell half my belongings to buy more, but I’m not going to. It wasn’t really that good. The buns at Burger Liquor are pretty average though; Brioche buns are an art form, needing to finely run the line between soft and hard enough to not fall apart, but these fall ungraciously into the not-soft-enough pond of disappointing bread. Overall a solid 8/10.

The Double Standard is a standard burger with double the patties. Trust us, this burger was standard. Pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, and two patties are slammed in between this sizeable bun. It’s not exciting. There’s no wow, the taste is exactly what you would expect. It’s good, but not great; just what they were aiming for. We attempted to put different types of hot sauces on the burger, but I could not for the life of me spice up this burger. If you go to an Indian restaurant and order butter chicken, Coke Zero and plain naan, or perhaps get sweet and sour pork before opening the menu at any restaurant that resembles oriental culture, this burger is for you. It’s bland, but it’s good. 6.5/10.

The fat smoked paprika fries are extremely delicious. (See, look at that sentence — as food critics we have as much grace as a moose trying to use a Fidget Spinner). They’re blanched in beef fat, adding large amounts of flavour that is just not possible when cooking with vegetable oil. I maintain that the biggest mistake of the latter half of the 20th century was the switch many mainstream restaurants made from beef tallow to vegetable oil. That is the period in which flavour died for white people. We had fat and now we have nothing. We ruin burgers like we ruined dabbing. Why people are so scared of deep frying in lard I will never understand. You aren’t supposed to eat it for every meal. If you ate lard every day, I can guarantee you that you would still have a mobility scooter and cankles when you switched to frying in vegetable oil.


You can catch Kii and Tom on SalientFM (88.3) on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays 6.00–8.00pm. Find them on Facebook: “Kii and Tom”.

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