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March 26, 2018 | by  | in *News* News |
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Freedom for Women, Freedom for Dennis

During Lent, God-bothering anti-abortionist lunatics congregate outside medical practitioners, generally intimidating and abusing members of the public.

True to form, this March has unleashed the closeted sociopaths and sadists, emerging from the shadows screeching and pelting passerbys with stock photos of alien “foetuses” and flagrant misinformation.

As though the decision to have an abortion wasn’t already emotionally distressing enough, these friendly faces are here to ensure you’re also acutely aware of the socially-ingrained guilt, shame, and stigma associated with exercising agency over your own flesh prison.  

One patient, who wished to remain anonymous, told Salient that “while the decision to terminate a pregnancy is difficult, terrifying, and absolutely 100% my own, it’s always fun when people make me feel like a deviant for practicing my own bodily autonomy”.

This year, multiple sources claim to have witnessed one particular protester camped outside Wellington Hospital, 23 hours a day for the entire month, pausing only to water her plants and check on her ex-husband Dennis, whom she keeps bound and gagged in her basement.

When approached for comment, she said that while every life is worth saving, Dennis is an exception to the rule because he was having an affair with the neighbour, and that’s a sin.Screenshot 2018-03-25 14.17.38

Image: A “pro-life (but fuck Dennis)” pamphlet.

Witnesses have also spotted a particularly empathy-devoid bible-basher brandishing her baby at female patients of the hospital, reducing people to tears.

Contrary to the protester’s pamphlets, which portray abortion as some kind of recreational activity, one Wellington Hospital staffer said that “most people do not derive pleasure from having to bleed out a lime-sized clot over the course of two days, or have said cell lump removed via the process of ‘vacuum aspiration’, which is exactly what it sounds like”.

Sources tell Salient a petition to free Dennis is currently circulating on social media.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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