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July 16, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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RIP Illot Cafe

On July 5th 2018, the beloved deep-fried palace that we know as Ilott Cafe closed their doors for the last time, to the screams and tears of many students. The cafe, formerly known as Revive, Hangover Heaven, and “Fuck Yes Cafe” was the hub for all students with a craving for fried chicken, chips, and luke-warm Asian food.
There has been wide speculation around the closure of Ilott; including rumours of lease expiration, health warnings, and an unacceptable amount of undergraduate happiness. Local student, Marcus McNab responded with “No, are you serious bro?” which was subsequently followed by several hours of hysterical screaming and crying.

 

“Where else am I supposed to get deep-fried goodness and a Fanta? Vic Books won’t sell anything without a vegetable, let alone an inch of salt,” he added.
Concerns grow as students search for their next fast-foodhit to feed their benevolent souls for $4.90. Some students and beloved alumni refuse to search for an alternative option on campus and have begun a petition for the movement, ‘#reviveRevive’. The petition has near 2000 supporters and is growing in size, along with the BMI of its supporters.
Devon Sanson, stating that he refuses to purchase a “$50 noodle salad from The Lab”, has signed the petition out of sheer passion for Revive. Darcy Ash, a 45-year-old nurse from Taranaki was stunned as petition for her cat’s heart surgery was stuck at 150 signatures. “At least the kids are fighting for what they love. I can only hope they’ll sign to save Mr. Ming as well.”
We can only assume that those who will not miss the Ilott Cafe are buried somewhere in their vegetarian noodle salad and sugar free vegan honey latte in ultimate bliss. Buried next to Mr. Ming.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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