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July 23, 2018 | by  | in *News* |
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Victoria University on a Sacking Rampage

A consultation document released by Victoria University of Wellington reveals that the University intends to suspend all academic endeavours within the next two months, as it has come to the realisation that its education-based business model can be made more profitable by removing teaching staff and students from the equation.

It is understood that recent attempts to close the School of Art History, Classics and Religious Studies provided inspiration for this bold move.
“We saw that closing down the school would save us so much money, so we thought, hey, why not close them all down?” a senior University financial administrator told Salient, under condition of anonymity.
“It turns out it’s really expensive to pay for all these nerds to buy sandals and write boring journal articles, so we thought we’d better just fire them all and keep the change.”
With no one left to teach courses, Victoria is also closing its doors to students. This will benefit the University as it will save money on “unnecessary” expenditures, such as electricity and running water on campus.

Although some view these changes as somewhat radical, not everything is set to change. The University will continue to advertise itself to international students and will raise fees for the 2019 academic year.

The University was asked how it planned to continue making money in the absence of any academia. However, the reply said that such plans “are commercially sensitive and not publicly available”.
Salient asked this question in person to Vice-Chancellor Grant Guildford, who seemed happy to reply but also appeared less than certain.
“I don’t know, maybe Bitcoin? Low effort property investment?” he mused, before jumping into a swimming pool of money, à la Scrooge McDuck.

“We’ll just have to wait and see, I guess. Are Beanie Babies still worth something?”
Victoria’s proposed streamlining is part of a growing trend of New Zealand universities prioritising profit over their statutory obligations to be the critic and conscience of society. The University of Auckland, having dismantled its art and architecture libraries, now seeks to transform itself into an investment bank. AUT now owns a string of sweatshops in Bangladesh, and Otago University is seeking new streams of revenue from organised crime.
But according to Vice-Chancellor Guildford, there’s nothing to worry about.
“It’s just business as usual.”

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*

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