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September 17, 2018 | by  | in Talking With My Dad About Sex |
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Talking With My Dad About Sex

I’m 20 and have just started seeing a new guy (I’m male too btw), my issue is that he’s already mentioned he doesn’t really like using condoms. We haven’t had sex yet and it’s important to me to use protection, so any tips on approaching this?

Lena says: Firstly, congrats on thinking ahead with this and wanting to be confident in approaching this topic with a partner. It can be quite difficult at times to assert your boundaries around safe sex if you are already in the midst of getting hot and heavy — so having a conversation beforehand or while you are just in the beginning of a hook up can be a great way to address it. One thing to keep in mind is that when you bring up the topic is that you’re indicating to your partner that you want to have sex with them, and that’s hot! Asking them “Do you have any condoms?” while just making out can get them excited, as well as prevent you guys from having to search for one when you were on the brink of more intense sexual action.
If they are resistant to using one when you ask them to, one option is to explain that you won’t be able to enjoy the sex fully without knowing you’re both protected. Framing the topic of protection as a way to make the sex even sexier for you can be a helpful way for them to see using a condom in a more positive light. I also want to note that if they continue to be resistant and pressure you to not use one, it might be best for you to stop seeing them. A partner who refuses to respect your boundaries and make sure you are comfortable isn’t someone who you want to be spending time with, let alone be intimate with. Lastly, if they are happy to use one once you express your preference, you can always help them put it on too, making the process more intimate and a continuation of the foreplay. Sucking/licking their balls while they put it on is often a winner too!

Dad says: In a case like this where you have a potential partner who seems reluctant, find out why and see if you can allay his concerns. If he complains about loss of sensitivity – try a thinner condom or try putting a drop of lube in the tip of the condom (not too much or it will slip off!). If he’s worried about it being a buzzkill or interrupting the flow, then show him how you can make it a fun part of the sex (being able to put one on with your mouth seems to incite a lot of interest and respect). But above all, stick to what you’ve decided about your safety and health.

I really agree with what Lena said about boundaries. In every relationship – whether it’s a casual hook up or a serious commitment, you have to be willing to discuss and negotiate boundaries. But there are some boundaries that are “bottom line” – not up for negotiation. As at therapist I’m really hard-ass about these. I have spent too many hours cleaning up the mess left when people have compromised their bottom line.
No relationship, no sex, is worth compromising your bottom line for. So you decide what level of risk you are willing to take with your health. Then when you are out partying, off your face, or under pressure from someone else, stick to your decision. Doesn’t matter how horny you are or how far things have gone, you’re allowed to say – “bareback’s not my thing”.
If your partner puts his boundaries somewhere different from you, that’s okay. Neither of you are wrong. But he doesn’t get to decide for you what you do with your body. I have a friend who is in a polyamorous relationship and the contract is ALL of them practice the level of sexual safety that the most cautious person wants. That’s inconvenient for some, but that’s care and respect. Don’t settle for less.

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