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February 25, 2019 | by  | in *News* |
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A Lost Opportunity

On February 13, we were forced to love and leave our favourite 15-year-old in the cold red deserts of our imagination.


Taking humanity farther than it had ever been before, the Mars Rover (Opportunity) blitzed the competition for Best Teenager in the Universe for the third year in a row.

Commentators suggest the win may have something to do with it being 54.6 million kilometers away.

Unlike other teenagers, Opportunity gave us information about things we actually cared about without getting in our fucking way and being so annoying all the time.


NASA announced that after 830 missed calls, none of which Opportunity returned, it was time to give up hope and mourn the great loss.

NASA scientists suggested this was 40% fewer calls than required to contact their own adolescent children.

The Opportunity is only presumed dead, but as with most 15-year-olds, there is speculation he remains either:
A) Out of service.
B) Out of battery at a mate’s.
C) At Jessica’s again even though they broke up last week.


Locals were saddened to learn that the little rover had been travelling all the way to a desolate planet since 2003, just to die alone.

“What’s the point of getting photos from Mars in greyscale? They’ve basically already got a filter on them,” one particularly distraught mourner said to Salient.

Callum Turnbull, local Wellingtonian, expressed his condolences in an interview following the announcement.

“Gone too soon. Seems like it was just yesterday we went to his eleventh birthday party. Ever played musical chairs with a rover? Fucking harder than breathing on Mars.”
Salient expresses its gratitude to the work of Opportunity, and will be lowering Brad Pitt’s half-eaten naan at dawn in memoriam.

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