Viewport width =
February 25, 2019 | by  | in *News* Splash |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

First-Year Yet to Meet Soulmate in O-Week Clearly a Socially Incompetent Virgin

While thousands of new students partake in Victoria University’s O-Week festivities, not all are having the same set of magical experiences as literally everyone else.

Josh Smith, 18, of Palmerston North, is reported to have only made a few casual acquaintances with people across the hall.  

Meanwhile, the rest of his floor have already sorted themselves into tightly packed friend groups, setting the stage for brutal personality clashes.

Mr Smith, who clearly lacks basic social skills, seemed disappointed with his inability to immediately establish lasting connections with hundreds of strangers.

“Yeah everyone told me you’d make the best friends of your life at uni, so to not have made a best friend yet is pretty awful on my part. I think I’ll just fully invest myself emotionally in the next group of attractive and popular kids I run into.”

As well as demonstrably lacking the capacity to build lasting friends, Mr Smith has also spent his first nights alone, with no sexual contact.

This ran counter to firmly established evidence that his student life would either be one non-stop syphilis-fueled orgy, or that he’d establish love at first sight.

“There’s this nice girl on my floor so I think I’ll just half-heartedly grind on her at the toga party. Seems like that’s what everyone else is doing.”

Experts warn that if Mr Smith does not establish himself in a toxic clique or fails to have ungratifying sex by the end of O-Week, he will probably die alone. Like a loser.

If you know Mr Smith or anyone like him, please ensure they are forced to do things they aren’t comfortable with for the sake of conformity. Remember: popularity before principles!

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Add Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent posts

  1. Beyond Pink and Blue
  2. It is Enough: Reflections on Pride
  3. In the Mirror: Queer, Brown and Catholic
  4. “Representation”: Victoria Rhodes-Carlin Is Running For Greater Wellington Regional Council
  5. The Community Without A Home: Queer Homeslessness in Aotearoa
  6. Pasifika Queer in Review
  7. The National Queer in Review
  8. Māori Queer in Review
  9. LGBTQI Project Report Update
  10. International Queer in Review

Editor's Pick

Burnt Honey

: First tutorial of the year. When I open the door, I underestimate my strength, thinking it to be all used up in my journey here. It swings open violently and I trip into the room where awkward gazes greet me. Frozen, my legs are lead and I’m stuck on display for too long. My ov

Do you know how to read? Sign up to our Newsletter!

* indicates required