Words by Abby Saywell (she/her)
I remember moving to Wellington for university, realising the last time I had to make friends was when I was five years old. Asking my fellow students if they wanted to play tag or make a mud potion wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Maybe we could still bond over Lego though?
Anyone who’s ever moved anywhere new—whether it be for your studies, a new job, or a relationship—knows this exact fear and has probably asked themselves the same question: “How do I even talk to a stranger?”
Unsurprisingly, shyness and social anxiety do complicate the situation, creating a fear of talking to strangers. If you’re shy, you’ll probably think a stranger didn’t enjoy talking to you, even if you had a good time talking to them. But this seems to be one big misunderstanding: research shows that having a conversation with a stranger is consistently enjoyable, regardless of who initiated the interaction. Of course, it’s inevitable that some people just won’t want to talk to you. As Joe Keohane writes in his book, The Power of Strangers, “They might be tired, distracted, or prejudiced, or just private. It’s okay. Move on.” Luckily, there are plenty of strangers to go around!
Okay, so you’ve set foot outside of your bedroom. Now what? Well, hear me out, because my first tip is to put your phone in your pocket. Mindlessly staring at your phone is a classic strategy to prevent anyone from talking to you in public. In fact, half of 18-29 year olds report using their phone to avoid interacting with other people—and those stats are from nearly ten years ago. If you want people to approach you, you first have to make yourself approachable. This starts with eye contact, meaning your eyes need to be readily available. If you can make eye contact with someone, chances are they’ll think you seem likeable and open for a chat.
When you find someone to talk to, start the conversation by trying to find something in common. “That small commonality works as a little bond,” says Keohane. The more obscure this commonality is, the more this little bond can grow. You could start off with something safe like the weather, guaranteed to be relevant to anyone sitting right next to you. Other top-hits for first-year uni students include: What are you studying? Are you in a hall? Where are you from? Isn’t this hall food disgusting? Once you’ve got the ball rolling, just follow your curiosity. New Zealand is small; soon enough you’ll discover that you’ve been talking to your friend’s cousin’s neighbour the whole time. Another way to find commonality is to put yourself in a room full of people who share your interests. Luckily, that’s exactly what clubs are for. And university clubs can get niche—fencing, traditional folk music, or korfball, anyone?
To really turn a stranger into a friend, things are going to have to get personal. No, this does not mean dumping all your life problems on your newfound korfball teammates. According to Keohane, research has shown that “when one person expresses something personal, the other person will match them.” By saying something real, honest, and personal, you’re subtly encouraging your conversation partner to do the same. Without realising it, they will start to reveal more of themselves, as if the two of you are competing for the title of most authentic stranger. When you reach these more personal levels, you’ll like your conversation partner more, they’ll like you more, and you’ll have a better chance of forming a deeper connection.
If you’re still feeling uncertain about it all, don’t just take it from me; take it from real students who took part in research about talking to strangers:
I feel more connection to the world and also I feel people around me are more friendly.
This made me feel happier and more fulfilled.
Strangers are generally friendly and helpful.
I met people who I believe will become my good friends.
With a little effort you can find friends easily.
Good luck!