Announced by Teddy O’Neill (he/xe/it), Ngāpuhi
I love sports. I love sports a stupid amount. The only issue I have with sports is that none of them really embrace the true campiness and homoeroticism of what it means to be a group of men running around, slick with sweat, trying to gain triumph over one another. There is, however, one sport which I believe embraces these factors and has them as an intrinsic part of its essence and livelihoods.
This is why I believe the WWE should be a sport included in the Olympics:
CAMP:
There are a few sports which I believe lean into camp, albeit in small doses, and one of those is ice hockey. Ice hockey is like if rugby was angrier and gayer, with its silly little ice skates and angry little fights. The Olympics certainly get further into the campy sports, like fencing, water polo or the newly introduced three-on-three basketball. It’s undeniable that in comparison to sports which dominate our mainstream networks, the Olympics often allow the campier nature of sports to shine through.
I still don’t think they’re doing enough.
WWE embraces camp in the greatest of ways. Take, for example, wrestler Seth (Freakin’) Rollins. He has been known as both The Messiah and The Visionary, and takes great pride in showing up to all of his matches in the most ridiculous yet amazing outfits his costume designer can come up with. For example, the outfit he wore to Clash at The Castle 2023 paid homage to an outfit from the Elton John biopic. Why did he wear this outfit? Not entirely sure. Definitely camp though.
STORYLINES:
I like sports that I can get invested in. I’m sure you do too, like when football fans have beef with each other’s teams, their matches are so much more fun to watch. Sure, when you’re watching the Olympics you root for your own country, as you should! But where’s the story? Where’s the drama?
WWE has storylines that go back DECADES. We’ve got betrayal, we’ve got love and despair, we’ve got tragedy.
Take, for example, the storyline behind The American Nightmare Cody Rhodes and his battle against Roman Reigns, which lasted for literal years. The redemption of a man who had been fired from the WWE, the dismantling of an empire created by Reigns, the rightful winning of a title after a reign which had lasted 1,316 days (which is actually wild). There is no way to describe to you how I reacted at Wrestlemania this year when Cody won. I went feral. I was foaming at the mouth. I want the Olympics to make me, and all of you, feel as joyous as I had in that moment.
(And, if that isn’t quite enough, there is actually a Kiwi wrestler. She goes by Dakota Kai, and she is both hilarious and also pretty good, so you can still root for your own country!)
ATHLETICISM:
It’s often said that the storylines in WWE are scripted and that the fights are fake. The first half of that statement is definitely correct. The second, however? I mean, come on, how athletic do you have to be to get hit with a steel chair multiple times and still get up to continue fighting?
IF you’re still sceptical, and I know that this request will probably be a reach for quite a few of our readers, go and watch King of The Ring 2024’s match between Cody Rhodes and Logan Paul. Now, I’m not trying to say that Logan Paul is a good person. However, it’s undeniable that he’s a great wrestler (see: pulling off a frog splash off the top rope onto Rhodes, putting him through an announcement table). Paul still lost, as he should, but some of the moves that those two pulled out in that match were insane and incredibly dangerous. WWE superstars have to train and work so hard to be able to do the work that they do, and honestly? I’m a little sick of people diminishing that.
PITCH:
I will admit. A WWE title match at the Olympics is a reach. For those that don’t care about the promos and don’t want to hear the superstars yapping at one another, that could be a good time to go and get a snack. This is why I am suggesting that at the Olympics, we have a halftime show where there is a WWE match.
I propose a Royal Rumble, in which almost the entire wrestling roster gets put in the ring with the objective to throw all of the others over the top rope, and the last person standing in the ring wins. It’s entertaining, it’s camp, it’s got a story, and for those that aren’t interested? That’s okay! It’s half time! Go get a snack and some water so that you can settle in for the next round of badminton.
CONCLUSION:
I am not saying that everyone needs to enjoy WWE. I am not saying that all sports need to become WWE. I am simply saying that I believe the WWE would provide great fun and joy for all who watch the Olympics, and also I personally would enjoy it so very very much. I also believe it would hype every other athlete in the vicinity up and then they’d all perform a lot better. Thank you.