Sterling Maxwell (she/her) | Ngāti Porou, Ngāti Konohi, Ngāpuhi, Ngāti Hine
Ko wai au?
I have made many decisions in my lifetime. Twenty-two short years, yet so many choices. Countless missteps, both minor and major, all of which cast shadows over my journey onwards. Like a map of mistakes, each one leaves its mark on the path ahead. I have driven straight ahead instead of turning right. I have chosen him over her. I have stepped on landmines and thrown wrenches in the work. I have built houses on sand and sailed off-course. I have opened Pandora's box and I have dropped the ball. I have spilt ink over white pages and laid seeds in a barren land. I have let opportunities slip away, wasted potential and fallen short. I have failed. I have failed. I have failed.
Ko wai au? I am a failure.
They look at me and I smile, because what else am I to do? I am a hero to them. But to myself, I am my own worst villain. The weight of these failures is crushing at times. Like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders—I can’t shake it off. My successes and accomplishments seem futile. The achievements feel hollow, tainted by the disappointment I see in their eyes. “You’re not good enough”, “it was only by luck”, and “you don’t deserve it”, must sit on the tip of their tongues. I could have done better. I should have done better. I am not worthy. I am not worthy. I am not worthy.
Ko wai au? I am worthless.
I am trapped in a prison of my own making, a place both invisible and inescapable. The bars are made unbreakable, forged by my own self-doubt and strengthened by every negative thought and the overly critical voice floating in my mind. The walls, paper-thin, yet indestructible, are constructed from the constant lies I have accepted as the truth and the fears that have come to define me. In this prison, time stands still. The clock ticks slowly, each moment stretching into an eternity. The darkness is palpable, a heavy fog that obscures my vision and obscures my hope. The air is thick with the weight of my own self-criticism, making it hard to breathe, hard to think, and hard to escape.
Ko wai au? I am a prisoner to my own mind.
Ko wai koe?
You would never notice what they see. Only taking in the negatives and not the overwhelming positives. Their young minds have had a front-row seat at your game of life ever since they were born. A chance to watch and learn. Yet, you don’t notice what they see. Blinded by the bars of that damned prison that barricades you from seeing the truth. You don’t notice the way their eyes fill with admiration or the words of praise that fill their young vocabulary, because of you. They have watched you at your highest point from afar, but they have been right in front of you at your lowest. They have seen you stumble, trip and fall face forward into the path you’re weaving for yourself. They don’t fully understand the darkest part of your world yet and you can only pray they never have to find out.
Ko wai koe? You…you are still their hero.
They just hope one day you can be your own.
They do notice. They do see the truth. They see the good in you, the beauty and strength that breaks through the cracks of your self-doubt. They watched you love and care, both for them and others. They watched you inspire and they became inspired, because of you. Like a seed that has been nurtured and loved, they have watched you grow and blossom into the person you are today. They have watched you stand back up when you were knocked down. They have loved you, not in spite of your flaws, your failures, your disappointments and your worthiness, but because of them. They have loved you because you are real; because you are authentic. And as they envision their future and imagine the attention turning towards them, they love you because they realise that once upon a time, you were them and one day they will be you.
Ko wai koe? You are them. And they are you.
Ko wai tātou?
We are the seed that will blossom. We are the sum of our experiences, a blend of our triumphs and our tribulations. Each misstep, each fall, has been a lesson, a stepping stone towards a greater understanding of ourselves. We are the seeds of change, planted in the soil of Papatūānuku. Our experiences, both joyful and challenging, are the nourishment we need to grow. We are not defined by our failures but by our ability to be resilient and learn from them. We will rise again, wiser and stronger, each time.
Ko wai tātou? We are wise. We are strong.
We are the hopes and dreams of those who came before us, and we will be the inspiration for those who follow us. Our journey should not be one of solitary, lest we fall victim to the prison within our minds. The struggles of our tūpuna, and the victories they celebrated, all flow within us, woven into the tapestry of humanity. We carry their legacy, their wisdom and their spirit. As we continue to grow and blossom, we honour them and their contributions to our being.
Ko wai tātou? We are their hopes. We are their dreams.
In the grand scheme of existence, we are interconnected, like the roots of a vast tree that spread out and intertwine beneath the earth. Each of us is a unique individual, yet part of a greater whole. Our collective experiences form the rich, diverse soil from which we draw strength and wisdom. Together, we face the storms of life, supporting one another, sheltering one another, and finding solace in our shared humanity. As we blossom, we not only reach towards the light, but we also cast seeds of our own, ensuring that the cycle of growth and renewal continues. Our actions, our choices, and our resilience will be the foundation upon which future generations stand. They will look to us, not for perfection, but for the courage to rise, to learn, and to thrive despite the challenges.
In this interconnected journey, our individual stories merge into a collective narrative of hope, perseverance, and transformation. We are the embodiment of dreams realised and potentials unlocked. Our blossoming is a testament to the enduring spirit of humanity, an ever-unfolding promise that we are, indeed, the seed that will blossom, endlessly renewing and reaching for new heights. So when the question is asked—ko wai tātou?
We will answer; we are the seeds that have blossomed.
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