Dylan Van Heerden (they/them)
How many times have you heard something that made you feel uncomfortable? Something that could be problematic? Terminology, slang, and words in general change, hold different meanings at different times. Words also carry connotations that can have powerful and damaging effects.
Sometimes it can be hard to know if you've said the wrong thing and unless someone tells you, or you’re in the know—it can be hard to know where to start.
For far too long queer people, and minority groups in general, have been educating others on the issues and discrimination we face. We have conversations, sometimes daily, explaining why certain terms and phrases are problematic. Every-single-day we have to prove our existence is beautiful, natural, and significant. It’s a form of resistance and it’s tiring. We don’t choose the way we’re born, the families we’re born into, or the hurdles we face. They are things we are ~blessed~ with. The way words and phrases are used can cause harm. It can be deeply triggering, offensive, and just plain rude.
Part of the Queer Experience™ is the language we use to describe how we feel; it doesn’t always fit historical norms, and sometimes the language isn’t there yet. But we can use these terms to strengthen us. They can uplift our community, promote diversity, and show to those still figuring out their identity that they are loved and valued no matter how many times they change their pronouns, or hair colour, or re-evaluate their gender or sexuality.
"When you say, ‘that’s so gay’ do you realise what you say?" is one example of a ‘think before you speak’ PSA. This column is Dylan’s Version.
Words have history, and in the rainbow community terms are constantly changing and evolving. Terms like "Queer" were previously used in a derogatory way, but have since been reclaimed by members of the rainbow community (like me—Queer is the label I use for my sexuality).
Historically, marginalised groups have experienced how words can be used to divide and cause people to be ‘othered’. These experiences show that word choice is important, so care should be taken when using terms you are unfamiliar with.
An example: in the rainbow community, and on certain ‘dating’ apps, you may have heard people asking questions like "are you clean?", when determining if a person is living with HIV. That phrasing is offensive. It makes me sad that people still don’t know the difference between the current terminology and gross, problematic hounding.
If you've phrased questions like this before don't worry, you won't be cancelled. Just think about this next time you have that intimate, hot, and steamy convo about consent and health status. Because we all want to be perceived as hot stuff, not hot garbage.
So, for next time… the Burnett Foundation suggests using these alternatives:
"When were you last tested?"
"Do you know your status?"
Language matters; it gives us the tools to define ourselves, and can be a path toward liberation. It has also been a tool of pathologization, and oppression. Approach it with care and an open mind. Our collective vocabulary will continue to evolve around us—we can choose to respond with defensiveness, or with curiosity.
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