Will These Dog Treats Get My Friends to Piss Outside?

Written by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

Tasted by Stephen Woods (he/him), Guy van Egmond (he/him)

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I’ve just adopted a puppy named Ducky. Despite my best efforts, no dog treats have convinced her that pissing outside is better than pissing on the carpet. Inspired by a Spinoff article where author Asia Martusia King tried dog food, I decided to conduct my own experiment. I enlisted my two best pals, Stephen Woods and Guy van Egmond, to taste test a variety of dog treats and see if any of them would convince them to piss outside. Here's how it went...

Duck Tenders Guy and Stephen thought the duck tenders were overhyped in the Spinoff article, but they agreed they’d eat a second one. Guy commented, "This is what I want when I buy jerky," while Stephen added, "Good chew... The flavour is a little doggy. Develops into more of a dog flavour than a meat flavour." They both finished their portions and even ate more. Ducky disagreed, and didn't touch hers.	Results: - Guy would piss outside for a duck tender. - So would Stephen. - Ducky would not piss outside for a duck tender.
Tenderloins (Golden) Guy and Stephen had mixed feelings about the tenderloins. Guy remarked, "Hard plastic. When I used to chew on Lego... Takes me back to when I was four years old. There's a bit of goo in it, if you really chew it." Stephen: "I think I'm going to chip a tooth. It tastes like the rib bit of ribs." Both found the texture strange, but intriguing. Guy noted, "I don't hate it, but it doesn't taste like anything... It kind of tastes like you’re eating a bone. It’s not disgusting at all; it's a mouthfeel thing. If this was an alternative to brushing your teeth, I’d be so down for it.. "If it was socially acceptable, I'd get this for lectures.” This was ruined for Guy when Stephen said the texture is	Results: - Guy: It's something to do while you’re pissing. - Stephen: In the same way you'd have a toothpick or straw in your mouth, you'd have this. - Ducky wouldn't piss outside but loved to chew on it and not piss. Later, she enjoyed chewing on it so much she pissed on the couch (and Guy). Even when pissing, she did not stop chewing.
Dried Beef Lung Stephen and Guy were not fans of the dried beef lung. Guy said, "Smells like something you'd make roads out of... Tastes like Year 13 camp just-add-water freeze-dried meals. Tastes exactly like beef stroganoff. I'm glad that I now know what beef lung tastes like." Stephen added, "Smells like a pet store... I do not want to swallow this one." Despite their initial reactions, they both agreed it got better as they ate it, and they both swallowed it.	Results: - Guy and Stephen would not piss outside for it. - It’s the only thing that Ducky will piss outside for.
Jimbo’s Beef and Bone Marrow  Jimbo’s dog food (cooked for Stephen and Guy, raw for Ducky) received lukewarm reactions. Stephen commented, "Smells like a gamey hamburger patty." Guy found it "quite tasteless, to be honest," and Stephen elaborated, "It’s a really shit hamburger... Not offensive in any way. Hamburger that you know meat has gone into... Has some gusto in it." Both finished it, but their enthusiasm was limited. Stephen concluded, "If I went to someone’s house and they made a hamburger with that, I'd just think they made a really shit hamburger."	Results: - Guy: No. - Stephen: Depends on the context. If he had no other meat to choose from, he would piss outside for it. If he was on a desert island, he would piss everywhere for it. - Ducky frequently pisses inside after eating it.
Pureed Pumpkin (Frozen then Unfrozen) The pureed pumpkin had a divisive texture. Stephen noted, "I do not like the texture... Watery around it, then the actual pumpkin is weirdly dry. When you swallow some of the water, it's really nice."	Results: - Both would piss outside for this. - Ducky would shit outside for the pumpkin.
Vitapet Veggie Sticks The Vitapet veggie sticks did not impress. Guy observed, "Smells very doggy, but that might just be my fingers." Stephen questioned, "Why is it so sweet?" Guy described it as "kind of almost marshmallowy at first... It's really bouncy." Stephen found it tasted like baby food, while Guy thought it was "a brittle marshmallow that a dog has slept on."	Results: - Guy would piss outside for it. - Stephen would not. - Ducky wouldn't touch it.
Raw Egg For the record, I was going to cook the egg, but the boys insisted on eating it raw because that’s how Ducky eats it. Stephen described it as "eggy, creamy, tastes like a soft-boiled egg. Totally fine." Guy even went back for a second spoonful.	Results: - Guy wouldn’t piss outside for it. - Stephen would piss outside for it. - Ducky would piss outside for it.
Dried Venison Skin The venison skin had a unique appeal. Stephen noted, "It looks like a shoehorn; there's a bit of sinew sticking out the end of it." Guy described it as "smokey leather... Like I'm chewing on a really old shoelace that's been dipped in barbecue." Stephen went back for more, adding, "Smokiness is great... Really liked that one." Stephen preferred it over the tenderloin, while Guy preferred the tenderloin.	Results: - Both would piss outside for this. - Ducky would not.
Dog Cookies The dog cookies were surprisingly well-received. Stephen said, "Smell pretty fucking good, actually." Guy noted, "Really dry. Flavour is really not strong. What I imagine Scooby snacks taste like." Both would piss outside for them. Stephen ate a second one, and Guy grabbed more of the duck tenders. Stephen concluded, "I'd eat a handful of these in a bowl outside. Could serve the little ones with a coffee at a café."	Results: - Both would piss outside for this. - Ducky would not. She made a big mess.

Closing Thoughts

Guy summed it up: "I was pissing outside more than I was expecting." Stephen added, "But also... We're men."

In the end, while Guy and Stephen found some treats that would encourage them to piss outside, Ducky remained unconvinced. The quest for the perfect dog treat continues.